Postcards from the Tip of Insanity

I’m back!  Never really went anywhere, just wasn’t in a writing place.  This might be long so I will try to focus.

- Coach and I broke up.  There comes a time when you have to do what is right for yourself and your partner.  Things just weren’t working between us.  The ackwardness of trying to force the relationship was taking a toll on both of us. No tears, no yelling.  Just two adults who realize that they were trying to make something work that may not be meant to be.  I’m not really sure where the change happened but over time I have come to realize that I was "making do".  Coach is a great guy and a good friend and honestly I wish I could find the right woman for him but I know that she is not me

- The Ass and I are friends again.  We talked for 2.5 hours last week about everything from the military to relationships.  He’s grown alot over the past 3 years.  His wedding is unfortunately postponed right now.  I feel bad for him because I know what it took for him to open himself up to the possibility of getting married again.  What I found interesting is that when he started seeing her, he was so busy trying to correct all of the wrongs in our marriage that she never really met the real him.  He made a lot of changes for her but he didn’t realize that he was only really doing that to exorcise the demon of our marriage.  He never really dealt with our divorce because they got together 2 weeks after I moved out.  I really missed his friendship

- Residency is going pretty well. I finished my first month of Surgery.  I’m surprised at what I remember about medicine after the year off and sometimes surprised at what I have forgotten too.  I LOVE my fellow family medicine interns! A great group of people all around.  We’re the single class (nobody is married, no kids, no engagements yet) so we’re always down to hang out.  I have a new Partner in Crime in my class.  We keep each other in tears laughing! 

Just thought I would check in.  I’ll try to do better.  I’m not that busy, just got lots on my mind.

I’m tired.

Packing

Moving

Studying for my ACLS class for residency

Being a good aunt to my brother’s step-kids

Being a good sister

Being a good friend

Being in love

Being in limbo

Being the new owner of a 2008 Altima named Pretty Ricky

Just tired.

I wish I could muster the strength to at least write in complete sentences to finish this post but fa real, fa really real, I am TIRED and I have to take a test tomorrow.

Smooches

Life is an incredibly wild rollercoaster ride!

One moment I am lamenting my lack of apartment and the next I am the happy tenant of a 2 bedroom in a quiet suburb with reasonable rent.

One moment I am lamenting my relationship issues and the next I am smiling in my heart.

One moment I am lamenting my year of military service and the next I am signing my discharge paperwork.

A series of moments. Memories. Tears. Smiles.  A life lived in moments that feel so disconnected but are the steps to goals.

I am on a journey back to me.  One of my best friends told me yesterday that I have to stop trying to be who people expect me to be and just be me.  Her take on my current relationship dilemma is that Coach is more like the person people expect quiet, smart, responsible me to be with.  And I am quiet, smart, and responsible.  But I am also silly, fun, occasionally alcohol soaked, smart-aleky, relaxed, sexy me too.  The person I am meant to be with gives me the freedom to be all of those things.  That may be why Coach thinks I’m different now.  But I’m not different, I’m just me.  Me who loves to be busy, not just stay in and watch tv.  Me who loves doing volunteer work.  Me who likes old man liquor and fru-fru-la-la drinks too.  Me who loves to be nekkid and adores good sex.  Me who loves an intellectual challenge.  Me who colors in kids coloring books and then goes off to ponder the eloquent writings of Ralph Ellison.  Me… unplugged.

This is about to be quite stream of conscious so forgive me in advance…

I’ve made decisions and I have to live with them.  I’m moving out of the apartment we share.  He’s hurting so bad right now but I have to do this for me.  He’s not the same person he was 2 years ago and frankly, neither am I.  I don’t know when it turned but it turned.  I don’t love him the same way I used to.  He knows how badly he messed up and I wish that was enough.  I need space.  I want to get married again but I want to be sure that I have full self-realization again.  My previous marriage and divorce really messed me up in that I came out of it stronger but still unsure that I had what it takes to be a wife, a mother, an independent grown woman.  Book smarts isn’t enough to get me through this stuff, I have to dig deep inside myself.  I worry about Coach though.  He’s having such a hard time.  Bad thing is, my sister noticed the change in us.  She called me to ask me what was going on.  It’s not that I don’t care for him, I just have come to some really hard realizations about us and about myself.

Apartment hunting SUCKS!  I know what I want and what I want to pay. Nobody is cooperating.  Either the place is in the hood or too small or just not right.  Man one was on the alley!  Ain’t trying to make it easy for Creepy Killa Man to get me.  He’s gonna have to climb some stairs or scale a fence or something!  I want to move by the first week of June.  Dragging this out just makes it harder on everybody. 

I’m so on edge right now.  I need a get-away.

From the very bottom of my heart, I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.  The connection of hearts has been comforting.  Please know that your warmth and generousity reached me from no matter how far in land distance you may be.

This has been a very difficult week.  I have cried more than I would ever admit.  But I have smiled and laughed too.  The joy that Jaylen brought to my heart will never go away.  The love that we have as a family has sustained me.  My friends (both those I can pick out of a line-up and my screen friends) have shown me more love than I could have imagined.

Diva and I went to see Alvin Ailey this evening.  The night out lifted my spirits (thanks again hun!).  There is something so powerful about seeing my people doing their thing!  I go every year and this was one of my favorite performances.

I am hanging in there.  The service for my Jaylen is tomorrow.  Continue to pray with me, as I continue to pray for you.

If you have ever uttered a prayer before… PRAY FOR ME AND MY FAMILY

My brother rushed my 1 month old nephew to the hospital on Saturday morning because he was crying inconsolably and his belly was expanding.  They did tests and found that he had a bowel malrotation and off he went to emergency surgery.  They got him stable and were observing him for 24-48 hours to see when they could complete his bowel surgery (to remove any remaining dead bowel that choked off from inadequate blood supply). 

We thought he was doing ok until the 830 am phone call I got telling me to come to the hospital because he wasn’t going to make it.

My angel went home at 157pm.  His big sister Maya came to get him. 

I ache in a place so deep inside me you need heavy machinery to dig to it.

I ache for my brother who has lost 2 children since Dec 2006 (his only children)

I ache for a family that has to make arrangements for services for a one month old.

I ache for my mother who has lost her only two grandchildren.

I just ache.

Yesterday my family prayed together, we cried together, we laughed together and lord knows we had to drink together.  Jaylen was a precious gift from God and God saw fit to call him home.  It isn’t for me to ask why, just to ask that he mends the hole in my heart.

Hug a child today.  No matter how young and healthy they seem, God calls little angels too.

Let’s just say today ain’t off to a good start:

1. I get outside and we have snow flurries.  Yeah I know, it’s Chicago and it snows here but I am not in the mood for flurries.  Of course my snowbrush is in Coach’s truck and my keys to Coach’s truck are upstairs in our apartment so I brush the snow off with my hand and keep it moving.

2. Panera used to be my favorite until today.  I just had the WORST green tea ever.  Smells and tastes like tobacco.  I don’t smoke, I don’t chew tobacco and I sure as HELL don’t want to drink tobacco.  Thank God for my cranberry pomegranate juice that I packed today or I would be headed to get my dollar back.  It’s the principality!

3. Coach and I are in a bit of a rough patch.  I’m moody and he’s trying to be patient.  But seriously, selfish me is trying to pretend to be okay mostly due to the fact that I have an upcoming birthday.  Ok maybe that’s not the only reason.  I love my sweetie but lately he has been playing double-dutch with my 2 last good nerves! 

4. The Wire finale was decent.  Slightly disappointing as I wanted Marlo to be killed and I wanted to see Avon at least one more time.  But overall, a decent end to an excellent show.

Ok back to my pumpkin muffin, maybe that will make me feel better.

I am off for the next 4 days.  Leisure here I come.  I have two Real Simple magazines to read and a head full of micros to take down (I hate micros- necessary evil for my 2 month trip).  There is a tin full of peppermint tea with my name on it.

There was a time when leisure was my life.  But alas, time marches on.

By the way… I am a new AUNT!!!! We welcomed Mr Jaylen Some Middle Name to the world at something after midnight on March 3rd.  He came in at 4 pounds something ounces and some length.  Yes, those details are courtesy of my brother AND his girlfriend!  Trife!  I had to go get a picture of the incubator ID card so I would have the details.

This is one stubborn but totally adorable little boy! The OB wanted to have the c-section on the 20th of March.  Well Mr Jaylen decided his birthday was going to be on March 3rd and that’s that!  So he was early but he is doing very well. He isn’t on oxygen anymore, he’s eating well, he hates being touched (sounds like my nutty brother).  They will probably send him home this week.  The only issue is that he only has 1 crease on his hands.  You wouldn’t think that’s a big deal but it can be associated with Down’s syndrome and other developmental issues.  We will have to wait 2 weeks to find out because the bloodwork won’t be back until then.  Keep him in your prayers.  It’s likely to be nothing as 1% of all people have a single crease and no issues.

So that’s what’s new with me…. 

I wonder if anyone is still reading?

I’m back from Georgia.  I didn’t write while I was gone because I had limited internet access and I’d rather spend my internet time catching up on what’s going on in the lives of my blog family.

Georgia was pretty cool.  Savannah is my mother’s family’s home and I have never gotten a chance to see it.  I could see myself living there (but Coach won’t leave Chicago).  My unit was there to train soldiers heading overseas.  There is nothing more sobering than to know that the work you are doing may make a difference in a soldier’s survival.  Alot of times, we take our training for granted but to know that these guys are heading into some real stuff, you stand up and make sure you do whatever it takes to make them ready.

I need a vacation.  I got back on Tuesday and went back to work on Wednesday.  I’m suffering from some issues that I have never shared with my blog fam so we are about to cross a barrier today.  I have not had sex in over a year.  My sweetie has some medical issues that have caused issues in the performance arena.  Of course I didn’t know this when we first started dating and I was already in love with him when the problem got worse.  He finally went to the doctor and is under treatment but of course I came home with expectations that things would be improved.  You guys don’t know just how much I love this man.  But it gets hard to not get my needs met.  Feeling guilty because I am frustrated, hating to see him in emotional pain, wishing I could just make things better, it drains me (and him too, I’m sure).  I got him some sessions with my trainer, hopefully exercise and weight loss can help get the blood flowing in the right directions. 

My neice is college-bound next year so I told her I would take her to New Orleans to see Xavier.  She is such a wonderful princess and of course I would love for her to follow in my footsteps.  No pressure, though.  Really, no pressure.  I want her to go to a school where she’ll be happy.  She hated her high school but she knows that she got a quality education.  This time, as long as she finds an accredited university that will provide her with a solid foundation, the choice is hers.

The weight loss thing is slowing down right now.  I’m looking and feeling much better.  Getting home has been a trip, I have to get to the grocery store to pick up some healthy lunch stuff and snacks.  The man in my house is a brownie baking, pizza eating, fast food aholic and i can NOT go back to my old ways.