Postcards from the Tip of Insanity

Ran into an old friend on BPM last week… somebody that I check on via another friend but haven’t talked to in almost 4 years. He had a lightweight thing for me back in the day but I was otherwise involved with the X so I pretended not to notice.

Now I don’t know why I’m still visiting BPM after all the previous comedy.

But you know… there’s a problem right??? Is it the fact that he’s moving out of the country soon? No… that’s not the problem, I have email and IM and I love to fly. Is it the fact that he has a child?… No….. not the issue either.

What is the connundrum you ask??? How about the WIFE? Bingo! So there’s a wife.. not an ex…. or a girlfriend even. He appears unhappy in the relationship and but isn’t actively planning to move on with his future.

Why is it that I can find every unavailable man (either emotionally unavailable or relationshiply unavailable) but couldn’t find an available one if he had a bullseye tattooed on his butt? I really think the problem is me… I must be subconsciously finding men like my dear old dad. My daddy is a wonderful person but he is strange as they come! He doesn’t do people and makes it a point to be as unavailable as possible. He loves us all dearly but has one hell of a time expressing it.

I’m still talking to him, enjoying it far more than I truly should. I justify it by saying that it’s just IM, no harm done. But is it? If he really is unhappy in his relationship, I am certainly not doing him a favor by being so darned perfect. And I’m only perfect to him because he can see all of his wife’s imperfections in my mirror.

I’m tired of feeling a tug on my line only to find out that my big catch…. is a goldfish with a kung-fu grip! (thanks C for that thought!). One of these days, I hope to reel in a marlin!

Have you ever just had one of those days where you don’t like anybody at all? I woke up this morning in a hateriffic mood. A man said hello to me at work and I rolled my eyes. The patients all look like whiny babies to me today. I ate my Cheerios but i must have washed them down with a big glass of HaterAid and didn’t even know it. Usually I can’t stand people with such volatile moods, but dangit I’m one of them today!

Must be the weather. I have seasonal issues… I hate any day that it isn’t sunny. Now I know I live in Chicago, people feel the need to remind me of that whenever I say I hate dreary days. This would be why I am getting the H E double hockey sticks out of here in 2 years. Anyplace where the sun doesn’t shine at least 8 months of the year is OUT! I get sore throats whenever the weather changes and I have one today of course since we once again went from nekkid to sweater in 2 days.. now of course it will be hott this weekend.

I have lived in the hood for 30 years (with the exception of my time in the Army) and usually I’m quite content with it but there are some things that are just wrong. Why did I go to the Ghetto Grocery Store the other day? Carts all broke down, only turn right… won’t move to the left. The only fruit they seem to have are apples, grapes, and of course watermelon. The floor hasn’t been mopped in a month of sundays! And of course… Jotaqwannita and all her kin folk work the register! When I venture out of the hood, I don’t seem to have that problem. This is not a mom and pop store, this is a MAJOR chain! We need to start complaining more often. Most of the time we seem to think that if we complain, they’ll just close the store down and then where will we go.

It has been one of those days. Still working on the divorce with the soon to be x. It’s a shame that you can love someone hard and deep for years and then hate them all the same. He and I are having a moment. I have been through so much over this divorce till I’m just tired. I hate being vulnerable, it’s the Aries in me. I’m still in school and not working (well at least not for a paycheck) so I feel like I’m at this man’s mercy. My sister says that I should stop giving him my power but Lawd knows that if I could stop I would. I can’t wait until this is over! I can’t wait until the day that I’m singing Fa.ith E.vans’ song “again” and truly feeling it. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for the journey but I am TIRED of the ride.

On a lighter note, I just got the butta whipped and I am feeling sassy!

My old behind decided to go to Step Aerobics with my sisters. Now I’m the baby sister but these 2 keep trying to kill me by dragging my out of shape self to hellish classes like Jump Rope and Step. I used to be in the Army but that was three very long years ago. I’m gonna be sore in the morning!!!

So I’m trying the online dating thing and it has been more than funny! I don’t meet many men my own age at work, all of my close friends are married or attached and I’m not one to date really young men so I’m trying my hand at online dating. Let’s just say it’s been a hottttt mess.

Eharmony:
Well after you fill out the 2 hour long questionnaire, I got nada. No matches for weeks. I guess not too many Black men are willing to fill out that long azz questionnaire. Then I started getting matches for 40 year old men. I have 2 sisters, 39 and 40 and I really don’t want to date anybody who would be a good candidate for them. Then I got a couple of short men. And here’s the catch… after you do the entire questionnaire, you find out that you can’t talk to anybody unless you “Show e-harmony the money”. So I got an interesting sounding match (no picture, he could definitely be a booger bear) and I made the plunge and subscribed…. talking to one guy now. He’s too cheap to subscribe for more than a couple of months so he sent me his phone number. HOLD UP! We have been exchanging pre-selected questions thus far… he could be intellectually challenged. I don’t give the digits to just anybody…. well I did recently and I’ll have to write more about that fiasco later. The guy I originally subscribed to see is probably not a paid member. And the latest match has the same name as the ex-husband (not exactly a selling point).

Black People Meet (often Black Perverts Meet) occasionally called Big People With Bad Grills Meet:
Out of boredom I subscribed there too. Now I’m not a twig, I have a rather healthy body.. but when you say a few extra pounds you should not be talking a few extra PEOPLE. I mean dudes with body for weeks not days have been writing left and right. One in particular is good people but SOOOO not attractive, am I wrong to be a little standoffish? I just am not interested in him like that. I’m also not shallow, you don’t have to make >$50K to get my attention but can you have some ambition, please. If you work at McDonalds sweeping floors, can you at least aspire to be Calvin…. or the grill guy (cuz we all know that’s when the big bucks start rolling in)

The fun just keeps going….. can’t wait to read my emails today to see what kind of new jokes they bring….

I met my current husband 13 years ago at my after school job. He was sweet and funny. We could talk for hours about nothing and still have a great time. He had been hurt in previous relationships and was scared of his feelings for me. I went away to college a few months after we started dating. He was worried but we thought we’d give it a try.

4 years of college went by without a major breakup. We had our share of battles but we kept at it. We had some side friends while apart but stayed close.

I came home. He went away to boot camp for the Army Reserve.

He came home. I went to the Army for 3 years.

I came home. He was sent to Iraq.

So many separations, we could barely figure out how to live together.

3 years later….. we are separated. Nobody’s fault I guess. He came back from the war alot different than when he left. I suppose I was different too.

This is the short version of our tale. We grew in different directions and could never figure out how to pull things in order. I’m the one who left but the fear of starting over is incredible. While I believe that I will find the adult man who was meant for me, the waiting is sooooo hard. The soon to be ex and I are still friendly (for the most part).

I’ve started the online dating game… oooh so much to tell!

So I get a new bed from Ikea this weekend…… cute, cheap… but that’s not it….
The damned midbeam fell apart and I hit the floor. Okay so my sister and her friend were sitting on it with me but now I’m paranoid about the bed. Good thing I don’t have a man in my life right now…. we couldn’t cuddle (cuddle… yeah that’s it) without me being afraid to hit the floor. I think I fixed it, we’ll see

I always hate talking about myself but if I am going to eventually have some readers, I may want to introduce myself.
I’m a 30 year old African American woman living in Chicago who is currently going through a divorce and finishing med school at the same time. I’m a native Chicagoan but I am dying to get out of here in 2007. Not quite sure where though…. hopefullly someplace that doesn’t go from freezer to hell in the same week. I love all forms of music and I’ll read anything that isn’t nailed down (translation.. I’m a bit nosy)

I’ve wanted a blog for a long time. I have so much to share with my self and the world so I’m looking forward to meeting you all here at the tip of insanity.