Postcards from the Tip of Insanity

I’ve been thinking about this question for a minute and just got around to blogging about it.

Does anybody believe in destiny?

Here’s a story: I always believed that my ex-husband and I were destined to meet. His good friend went to prom with my cousin when I was a sophmore. I was there when they all left for prom and I have NO memory of meeting him that night. He went to church with my cousin and we probably ran into one another at various events and graduations, but I didn’t meet him. My senior year of high school, I started working at a bank. Who worked there, the ex! He started giving me a ride home after work and we started dating. At the time we didn’t know just how many times our paths had crossed.

I also believe that there is a goal inherent in most of our experiences. When we have reached that goal or accomplished what we were set out to accomplish, we move on (whether we like it or not). I started medical school in 1996 and I was dismissed in 1998. That led to a 3 year stint in the Army, where I met one of my best friends. I wonder sometimes how different my life would be if I finished school in 2000 but the reality is, I have had some priceless experiences following my dismissal from med school. Japan. New friends. I went back to med school in 2002 and other than my boards set-back, things have been going very well. I’m convinced that there is something I needed to do at school or in my life that is keeping me here until 2007. I’m looking forward to finding out what I’m going to gain from this time. I could spend time lamenting the fact that I am going to graduate a year later than I planned but life is always full of surprises … and some of them are actually pleasant.

On a different note, I finally watched Jamie Foxx’s special and all I have to say is: When is somebody gonna tell Stevie Wonder he’s balding? You should not be able to lie down in between the braids on someone’s head?

So I just realized that I haven’t written in almost a week. School and my multiple extracurricular activities have been eating away at my free time and I’ve been so busy reading blogs that I kinda sorta forgot I HAVE one.

So I don’t really talk about my patients very often but I have had a couple in the last few weeks that I just HAD to write about:

Patient 1 is a 65 year old lady who came into the hospital because of a hernia. A huge friggin hernia. So I go in to talk to her and she looked grumpy but I gave her the black folk nod and she seemed to warm up a little. I’m asking her all the important questions and trying to get a history on her 15 past surgeries (and yes I said 15) when I get to the masectomy questions. It took forever to get her story straight about her past history because she gave EVERY detail possible. Down to “I was eating some cookies, they were oatmeal or peanut butter. You know I make cookies and sell em at the church” How about no I didn’t know and good grief lady its 8pm and I want to eat dinner!

Home girl starts talking about how much better she was post-masectomy (not uncommon for many women, especially those with later stage cancers). I must have asked her about how she came to the decision to have a masectomy (or maybe I didn’t ask) but she proceeds to tell me how she went home from the doctor to talk to her “friend”. She says (and I quote): “I mean I don’t know why I asked him. It ain’t his body. He can’t suck on but one at a time”. How about I fell out laughing! The ER resident working with me on surgery just smiled and kept on talking. I just had to tell her “you are a M-E-S-S”. I try not to get too “street” with my patients but she was cracking me up. That’s how I want to be when I get that age, living life, rolling with the punches. My grandmother is like that, 89 years old and she just rolls along. She is a joy to be around because she has now and always has possessed a joie de vivre (showing off my fancy french edumacation). She has a joy for life that is just infectious. It’s hard for me to be around people like my ex-husband’s grandmother who gave up on life 10 years before she passed (and she didn’t have nearly the medical conditions this lady or my grandmother had). That’s the reason I’m working on remaining upbeat even through my setbacks. The joy that comes from deep within is soooo powerful!

Patient 2 is a shorter (but stranger) story. He’s a 50 something year old man who came to the hospital for anal warts. Yep, I’m the queen of the butt problems. If they have a boil or an abscess on the rear parts, I am destined to work on it. Anyway. So we get to the room and this guy looks like hell chopped and screwed. He looks like he’s at least 65. He had a blood sugar reading so high he could be tapped for pancake syrup. But the surgery team wasn’t there to manage his sugar, we were there to see if there was something to cut! This guy lifts his legs and his whole genital area looked like a cauliflower patch. He didn’t have anal warts he had genital warts. Many of the warts were infected and nasty as all hell! It was so bad that one by one we excused ourselves from the room (and there were 8 of us total). I of course, being the twisted individual that I am was the last student standing. These mugs were infected and nasty (I know I know, you get the picture). We took him to the OR today and the head surgeon told the students that we couldn’t even stay for the case because the virus could aerosolise and get into our respiratory system, plus there would be such fumes that he would be wearing a special mask. Disappointed, I quickly left the room b/c the idea of cauliflower like stuff in the throat was yeah, a bit too much! But it just reminds me that you have to take care of yourself. How people have so much fear of doctors or lack of concern for themselves (this one wasn’t an insurance issue) is something I just don’t understand.

Well those are my tales from the bottom of the totem pole in the hospital today. It’s 930 pm and I have to pack for yet another overnight call tomorrow and get ready for bed! Toodles!

Winter is an interesting time. While from the outside it looks like everything is dead, this is a period of preparation. I’ve come to look at this time in my life as my own personal winter. It seems that I don’t have anything really going on, no man, nothing new in school, just trodding along but in reality this is my period of rest and renewal for the upcoming spring. It can be hard to see that the days are getting longer and the sun is staying out just a bit longer because the lengthening is so subtle but I have faith that spring will bring flowers and growth.

So after I resisted the late night booty call from HIM (see previous post), I sat and thought for a long time about the mistakes I have made and the journey that I find myself on. I don’t want somebody else’s somebody and to be quite honest, I’m not sure I am fully prepared for a somebody of my own. The guy I had the crush on was great, what it did for me was to boost the ego just enough that somebody does have an attraction to me and that I’m not at all defective I’m glad he doesn’t live here because the pressure of thinking about pursuing a relationship with him is not what I need right now.

So the weekend recap:
I went out to a party this weekend with a good friend from college who lives about an hour away so we don’t hang out as much as either of us would like. It was okay. The DJ is a guy that my friend met on Black People Meet and she wanted to check him out. I guess we had a good time, mostly just laughing at the characters at the club. I did my Christian duty and spent 30 minutes entertaining the conversation of the fugliest dude in the room and I didn’t even allow him to buy me a drink. I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea or even think that he could ask for a dance or a phone number. He was nice, despite his physical shortcomings. The DJs friend was kinda cute and later on the DJ told my girl that the friend was checking me out. We’ll see what comes of that.

I spent Sunday with my 13 year old godbrother who we call my child. He’s such a sweet kid and he’s extremely smart (although limited by the short world view of his parents). My mom and I try to expose him to things and remind him that he only has the limits that he places on himself. He is getting ready for high school and I’m trying to keep him encouraged. I remind him that he needs to get good grades because I expect him to go to college. I expect for him to work hard. But I also want him to realize that the magnet high school he’s trying to go to will not be as easy as his elementary school and that he will have some obstacles to overcome. We still have fun when we hang out, I don’t spend very long giving my lectures. I took him to see Und.erw.orld. Not a bad movie (pretty good ending). But do you know that little negroid got the ‘itis and fell asleep in the movie. I sure did wake his little butt up to watch the last 30 minutes of the movie. He only missed about 20 minutes but at $6 for a matinee, oh he’s gonna know what happened in the end!

I made it to evening service at church this week. How about the 2 morning services were about preparing for a new season and how to start a new season in your life and the evening sermon was entitled “Honoring the Past”. A most necessary sermon for me! I am indeed a work in progress and I am working most diligently at remembering the lessons from the past without dwelling too long in the past. I may have to stop by the church and pick up the DVDs for the morning services. My mom said the first service was smoking! Next Friday is the Singles Community First Fridays service and I will definitely be there! (Serenity girl I’m trying) I may even make it in time for the pre-service mixer!

Okay, back to work I suppose. I am on inpatient surgery right now and there isn’t a blasted thing going on I am going to find a quiet corner and catch up on my reading.

Today was yet another fabulous, beautiful day in the life of me!

I went to surgery clinic, we had 3 patients, I saw one and went home at 10 am! I actually got a chance to do the life activities that have been eluding me for some time like oil change and car registration, etc.

I found a new hair stylist who is 1/2 the price of my usual stylist. I love my hair stylist to death but my wallet can’t handle it. I’ll still go there for maintenance most of the time.

I took myself to dinner (because I refuse to eat fast food and I wanted something with vegetables). I had another lovely time with me, I mean I like me alot, most of the time I think I love me. But I did have one moment of weakness. I called him.

Him. The man I have kept under the emergency glass for longer than I care to admit (something like 14 years or so). He’s a wonderful guy and the sex is pretty good when we happen to sleep together (which isn’t often) but there is one big problem. He and I could NEVER have a relationship. I couldn’t trust him.

We started messing around in high school. In fact, one of my greatest regrets was that I dated a friend’s man (this guy) behind her back. We weren’t having sex (he was sleeping with her) but we were having pretty much a relationship. Why would I settle for less than the full package? At the time, I saw him as something to do. He paid me attention. It’s funny how “paying attention” gets women into trouble all the time. Over the years we hung out as strictly friends. Messed around occasionally (but never during the time I was married, I never broke my marital vows).

Since the separation and divorce, he’s been a willing comforter. That is when he can get away from the girlfriend (who’s been holding on for 11 or 12 years without a ring, but that’s another story) and the side girlfriend (not me). Now I’m sure you’re thinking, what is dude working with that would have not one but 2 or 3 women (I don’t really consider myself one of his women, I consider it an understanding) waiting in line for crumbs. Now while I have messed with him for years, I have no idea why I allow this man to play a role in my life. I think I have just been extremely selfish and figured that as long as I am getting what I want, I’m good. Today, I don’t even know why I called. Didn’t really want to talk to him and was glad he didn’t invite me over.

The funny thing is, when we have these moments of weakness they should teach us a lesson eventually. This year I’ve been cutting loose all of my impossible relationships. How can I be prepared for the man who is meant for me, when I am expending so much energy on men who are fun to be around but their purpose is not long term. Do I feel played by these men? Not at all, I knew EXACTLY what I am getting myself into. This was not a “fell in love then found out about wifey” situation. This was a matter of out of sight, out of mind. Am I ashamed of my part in this retarded relationship/friendship? Not exactly. I am sorry for enjoying a man who belongs to another but there is a lesson in everything.

Today I’m posting from my very own dream land. I’m having a good day today and I am feeling like all is right with the world. The sun was out today (which might explain the great mood) and despite having been on overnight call yet again… I am not tired. I guess the working out is doing wonders for both my body and my mind (and I’m not even on an endorphin high).

Now it could be the fantabulous Cinnamon Dolce Latte that will have me eating salad for the next two days.

It could be the fact that I was actually intelligent when the surgeons asked me questions the past two days.

Hell it could just be that I am fine as frog hair!

Whatever it is, there is something to be said for making peace with the place you’re in. Now of course I still have bad days sometimes (as we all do) but right now, things are exactly the way they should be.

Maybe tomorrow (or later today) I’ll have to tell you about my wild patient. She had me cracking up in the ER!

Hey all,
I’m writing this post from the medical library where I should be reviewing some anatomy for the hernia repair we’re doing in an hour or two (surgeries never start when they’re supposed to) but alas, I chose this time to catch up on my blogging

I am a notorious procrastinator! It’s something that I’m working on very actively in the new year. If I have too much free time, I get absolutely nothing done. So yesterday I decided to take charge and do what I said I was going to do.

The day started off pretty good, I didn’t have to go to work until 7am so I had a leisurely breakfast at home instead of an on the run breakfast in the hospital cafeteria. Then we had clinic until about noon after which, the residents let us go home. I love clinic days in general because I like talking to the patients. I had the cutest 90 year old lady who had no idea what medications she was on (and neither did her daughter) so we had to spend a little time trying to figure out what in the heck she was taking. Usually surgeons have the reputation of being cold and insensitive but this particular surgeon tracked down the patient’s old chart and helped her find a new primary care doctor. I was actually impressed. It’s interesting being a Black medical student in a hospital with a large minority population. The patients frequently tell me congratulations and want to know all about my training. It’s great to feel their pride and it spurs me to do my best for ALL of my patients (not just the minorities), even the crazy heroin addicts I see.

Left work, had a healthy snack, and actually made it to the gym. Pretty decent workout considering my knee was killing me from standing all day in clinic (sprained my right knee a couple of years ago and I am desparately trying to avoid surgery).

Got home and my 10 year old nephew was visiting, which usually would have thrown off the rest of my day because I don’t get to see him that often. He had been watching my TIVO shows all day (good thing I don’t record porn from Skinamax!). My sister and brother and law allow him to watch The Bo.on.doc.ks (which I TIVO but would never ever allow a 10 year old to watch) so he was catching up on the episodes he missed. He’s now in love with TIVO and wants one from his birthday in April.

Did I stay in and watch tv with the adorable nephew or did I shower and finish running my errands?? Well for once I decided to do the right thing. I got off my arse, showered and went to wash the buttload of dirty clothes piled up in my hamper. Left there, went to a coffee shop to read the 8 admissions packets that are due today (and I didn’t have a pastry!). Got home, finished my reading for the surgery today, watched a spot of television and went to bed. 5am was chasing me like I owed it money!

So this is what productivity feels like, I don’t like it, make me feel all funny (Major Payne– great movie!)

Okay for real this post is gonna be random cuz I got lots to say:

1.
My downstairs neighbors are at this very moment blasting the soundtrack to School Daze. Current song: “I don’t want to be alone tonight”. Okay I love this song but the jolt of it coming through my floor boards was good and plenty!

2. Wicked
Wicked was wonderful!!! Saw it with my classmates for a mere $25. It was well worth it and then some. I will never look at the Wizard of Oz the same again. I was very pleasantly surprised and of course I now want to read the book!

3. Memoirs of a Geisha
Read the book years ago. Loved the movie!! It was long as hell but I thoroughly enjoyed. Took myself on a date today. Me and I went to lunch at Boston Market (not one of my favorite places but the greasy hamburger joint I love is not on my food plan) then took in a movie and later we’re gonna go to bed together! My idea of a good time!

4. I was on call today. Surgery is moving along I guess. Three weeks down, 5 to go! Four more overnight calls! I really don’t think I would enjoy being a surgeon but I don’t mind being in the OR. I got the opportunity to close up an incision and was even complimented on my technique. So if anybody needs a mole removed or some minor surgery, I’m only charging $99.95 plus meals

Oh well, guess that’s it for right now. I have 10 files to read for the admissions committee at school before Tuesday so I’d better get to it.

Well after I took a deep breath and watched Wedding Crashers, life is looking up! Well it always looks up after a day or two because I hate to be down! I pretty much take things in stride and try to put it all in a positive light. And a little Anthony Hamilton on the Ipod didn’t hurt either!

So i found out yesterday that my 30th do-over trip to Vegas is now cancelled. Whatever! I was a bit disappointed until I realized, I don’t have any money anyway! So I’ll have to find a more modest way of ringing in the greatest day ever! I may go to NY to see Color Purple. I may just rent the movie and get toasted… who knows! I guess I should figure it out soon though so I can see how much pimpin I need to do.

But anyway, just an aside. Why did I have a 9year old patient who weighs 175lbs?? I just don’t understand. Food is great, don’t get me wrong! I weigh 50lbs more than I should. But at 9 years old??? Something needs to be done now! I used to play on my Atari 2600 after school too but now they have wireless controllers and everything, make the kid run laps during the game or something!

Might be the gloomy weather *note to self- get the H E double hockey sticks out of gloomy Chicago*

Might be the fact that I got stuff going on.

Might be the fact that I am sick and on overnight call where the call room reeks of foot funk.

But I’m feeling weighed down …

I’m not sure what the reason is. I am making a way for myself. I’m heading towards the end of medical school.

But I’m lonely. And not just for male attention. Most of my friends live out of state. And most of them have had recent life changes (marriage, new homes, second jobs) that are clamoring for their attention. I don’t mind doing things alone but I’m bout tired of me right about now. This weekend, I laid low for a minute then went out to run some errands. I was glancing through the theater section of the paper and noticed that August Wilson’s play Fences will be in Chicago at a small neighborhood theater that I absolutely love. I don’t know anyone with enough “culture” to want to tag along. I’m planning to go alone but sometimes you just want to go to dinner afterwards and dissect the play. Where on earth do you meet moderately cultured (but not pretentious) young people???? Makes me think of the list in my previous post about what I’m looking for. I couldn’t even begin to think of where I may meet such a person.

This stage in my life and career are quite interesting. I’m older than almost all of the medical students and even quite a few of the residents. The hierarchy of medicine doesn’t encourage residents to hang out with med students (not that I’ve met many I would like to hang out with). Guess I need to worry about what’s important right now. Graduation. A social life is highly overrated right now (or so I tell myself to make the days go by). I got my TIVO and my gym card and the internet (damn, all I need now is a cat).

So I’m on surgery pretending that I am interested in what’s going on but really my mind is altogether somewhere else.

I got man on the brain. Not any particular man at all, well actually a particular man, but I’m convinced I haven’t met him yet (or that he doesn’t exist.. I prefer to believe right now that I haven’t met him yet).

I do have a crush on someone right now but that’s a complicated issue. Mostly complicated by distance and the fact that he’s a friend of a friend and he has other issues, and I’m insecure about whether he likes me like I like him etc etc etc. But anyway I digress…

This man, this wonderful smile inducing man. Who exactly is he??

He is:
1. Gentle but no punk. I like to know that if Pookie and RayRay try to act a fool with us, my man won’t be hiding behind me.
2. Able to laugh at the little things in life
3. Aware that romance does not require alot of finance, but is willing to spend a little to make me happy.
4. First of all, African American. I believe in similar struggle and shared understandings.
5. At least 5′9″(I rarely wear heels greater than 3″)
6. Aware that the dentist is your FRIEND! Ugly costs a whole lot to fix but a good dental plan can hook a brotha up!
7. Goal oriented (he doesn’t have to be there yet, but he should at least have a plan)
8. The proud owner of beautiful extremities (arms and legs and anything else that sticks out from a torso). I hate a man who isn’t balanced (works out the arms but not the legs)
9. Not driving a hooptie anymore. He’s had one, understands the struggle, but he has overcome.
10. Able to communicate with just his eyes. Jokes as well as compliments.
11. A believer but not a bible thumping condescending joy-killer.
12. A dreamer but well grounded
13. A planner. His idea of a birthday surprise doesn’t involve emailing a gift certificate.
14. The one who helps me remember and helps me forget.
15. The kind you call in sick to lay up with.
16. Independent but knows that he needs me.
17. Good looking of course, with a subtle sexiness that just eases out of him.

See now should it be that hard, I should take out an ad. Well then again, they all say they are all of the above (well at least that’s what their mommas tell them). I have met men with so many of the qualifications that if I could smash them all together, I would have one hell of a man! So if you know him, let a sista know!