Today was yet another fabulous, beautiful day in the life of me!

I went to surgery clinic, we had 3 patients, I saw one and went home at 10 am! I actually got a chance to do the life activities that have been eluding me for some time like oil change and car registration, etc.

I found a new hair stylist who is 1/2 the price of my usual stylist. I love my hair stylist to death but my wallet can’t handle it. I’ll still go there for maintenance most of the time.

I took myself to dinner (because I refuse to eat fast food and I wanted something with vegetables). I had another lovely time with me, I mean I like me alot, most of the time I think I love me. But I did have one moment of weakness. I called him.

Him. The man I have kept under the emergency glass for longer than I care to admit (something like 14 years or so). He’s a wonderful guy and the sex is pretty good when we happen to sleep together (which isn’t often) but there is one big problem. He and I could NEVER have a relationship. I couldn’t trust him.

We started messing around in high school. In fact, one of my greatest regrets was that I dated a friend’s man (this guy) behind her back. We weren’t having sex (he was sleeping with her) but we were having pretty much a relationship. Why would I settle for less than the full package? At the time, I saw him as something to do. He paid me attention. It’s funny how “paying attention” gets women into trouble all the time. Over the years we hung out as strictly friends. Messed around occasionally (but never during the time I was married, I never broke my marital vows).

Since the separation and divorce, he’s been a willing comforter. That is when he can get away from the girlfriend (who’s been holding on for 11 or 12 years without a ring, but that’s another story) and the side girlfriend (not me). Now I’m sure you’re thinking, what is dude working with that would have not one but 2 or 3 women (I don’t really consider myself one of his women, I consider it an understanding) waiting in line for crumbs. Now while I have messed with him for years, I have no idea why I allow this man to play a role in my life. I think I have just been extremely selfish and figured that as long as I am getting what I want, I’m good. Today, I don’t even know why I called. Didn’t really want to talk to him and was glad he didn’t invite me over.

The funny thing is, when we have these moments of weakness they should teach us a lesson eventually. This year I’ve been cutting loose all of my impossible relationships. How can I be prepared for the man who is meant for me, when I am expending so much energy on men who are fun to be around but their purpose is not long term. Do I feel played by these men? Not at all, I knew EXACTLY what I am getting myself into. This was not a “fell in love then found out about wifey” situation. This was a matter of out of sight, out of mind. Am I ashamed of my part in this retarded relationship/friendship? Not exactly. I am sorry for enjoying a man who belongs to another but there is a lesson in everything.