Postcards from the Tip of Insanity

I have a really bad habit to share. I self-sabotage. If there is a way to mentally ruin something, I’m all over it.

I have sabotaged myself frequently throughout med school. My issues with boards and with my classes were the result of me finding everything to do but study. I can convince myself that anything is more important than opening a book. Some of the things are productive like laundry, cooking elaborate meals during tests, etc. I am trying to get ready for the second part of my boards but I have been too busy finding self-destructive things to do like planning graduation balls, working on projects, helping folks with any and every one of their issues.

But my biggest fear right now is that I am going to find a way to sabotage my budding relationship with the New Guy. I read horoscopes from time to time. NG is a Gemini and I’m an Aries so on the surface we’re pretty compatible. But what do I do, I focus on all of the potential showstoppers in the horoscope and find ways to confirm them. You have to be careful what you put out into the universe because you usually get exactly what you ask for. I don’t know if it’s because I have too much free time on my hands or if I’m running from school but now I’m starting to obsess about my fears of starting a new relationship. It’s probably just PMS. I get this way once a month, damn being a girl. The bottom line is that I like NG, he likes me. He’s really busy, I wouldn’t notice so much if I would get busy doing what I need to do. I think that I have an additional fear that if I don’t actively engage in the relationship, he will become disinterested. Boy sometimes I am a mess! Maybe that’s why I’m going back to therapy, I may actually need it!

I’m walking in the March of Dimes WalkAmerica 10K walk this weekend. The walk benefits research about prematurity and other threats to babies lives. Wanna donate? Go to http://www.walkamerica.org/RashidaGray (hey, a sister is trying to get a golf shirt)

How about my friend asked me “Is there a specific reason you chose this particular charity?” . My answer was “No, dude I have no hidden long lost babies to hide”. Like he is the only over 30 childless person on earth I do however have a couple of friends who had premature infants (one died and the other is thriving). I think it’s a great cause and one of my friends from high school is a team captain.

Ok that’s it, back to work.

Since I love reading about O’s XXXXX. I’ve been thinking alot about what I want in a relationship. I mentioned the “New Guy” in a few previous posts so I guess I’ll update the situation.

I don’t know where to begin. I know I’ve been wishing for a good man to enter my life but I know that I probably only half-heartedly believed before. I had pretty much given up on finding someone when I stumbled on this one. I have to come up with a cute blog name for him but right now I just can’t think of a one word that sums him up. I know it’s all new and at this point everything is cute and wonderful but the interesting thing is that I have a connection to this one that I haven’t had with any of my other dalliances. This time it isn’t about a physical attraction or the fact that we talk alot, it’s somehow different. There’s a certain easy companionship and friendship developing that I am certainly enjoying.

Funny thing is, he’s pretty surprised about the ease of our friendship too. We were talking yesterday about random things and I brought up a secret that he told me. He didn’t even realize that it had just sorta slipped out of him. Matter of fact he was teasing me about how I know things that his family doesn’t even know and how surprised he is that he feels this comfortable with me. I’m more of an open book but I have other friends who are protective of their innermost thoughts so I can understand how big of a deal it is to him. Matter of fact, one of his best friends was just saying that he is only a “motor mouth” with me and that I bring out a side of him that he hasn’t seen in a long time.

I like making life easier for him. He’s working 2 jobs and he doesn’t have a car right now. Yesterday was the first time he took me up on my offer to pick him up from the night job. Took alot of arm twisting and explaining to him that this wasn’t a ploy to come over to the house, I just wanted to see him and do something nice for him. He’s the type that wants to do all of the nice things but I think he’s finally understanding that there are no strings, just me being me. I picked him up, took him home, talked to him in the car for 10 minutes and went home to my house. But how about I love that he always wants me to call when I get home so that he knows I’m safe. Like I didn’t drive at night before I met him.

The timing of course is interesting. I will be away doing rotations for 2 months this summer and for a long time I have contemplated moving out of Chicago. Now I’m thinking maybe I’ll play it by ear and make the decision as it gets closer. I am still preparing myself for a move but I’m also looking at the possibility of staying. Not necessarily for him but because I may not need to run away from home anymore. Part of my wanderlust was the fact that I was lonely and thinking that maybe a fresh start is what I need. But maybe, and this is just a maybe, I can have a fresh start here too.

Ok so I had to embellish a bit today with the ex-husband. Well I didn’t exactly have to but it certainly made me feel good. We were chit-chatting about life and what not today when he stopped by to pick up the jacket I borrowed from him. Small talk was going well, for once I didn’t even feel a twinge of nostalgia about him. We were discussing the fact that I’m going to be driving to Dallas in July and he asked if I would be driving alone. I told him that the guy I’m dating may be driving with me.

Fact 1: There is a guy.
Fact 2: I am dating him (nothing serious yet)
Fiction: I ain’ t asked the dude to drive with me.

I just figured that he might want to know that I am not sitting around pining for him. I have my own life and my own stuff going on. Now of course he wanted details about ole boy (b/c I think he thought I was dating my boy from school). He sounded a little jealous (that just may be my ego listening) but he wished me well.

Now speaking of the guy. That’s a whole new story. Things are going well so far. I haven’t found a reason to bench him yet. He is hella busy, but that may be just what I need. I need to learn a little patience (or so my friends have told me). I like him alot and I’d rather be patient and see where this goes than sift through the left-over men in the man bin yet again and hope for the best.

Tis the season of renewal…..

So much is changing in my life right now. School is progressing quickly towards the end. I finish December 9th and I am GLAD about it but honestly I am a bit frightened of the future. Today was our “official” orientation to the 4th year but since I am already almost half finished with it, I didn’t learn as much as some of my classmates.

I’m hiding out in the house today. I’ll probably go out tomorrow for a little while, I promised my mother I would go to our old church to help my god-mother prepare the palms for Palm Sunday. The ladies who come to help are older (shucks most of them were old when I was little) and thus they need all the help they can get.

Nothing new on the dating front. I’ve talked to the guy once or twice on the phone but that’s about it.

Ok so I have alot to say today.

Had my second military drill this weekend. So easy. You gotta love going to work and doing nothing all day. I’ve been out of the military for 4 years now and things are coming back to me slowly. I enjoy the people in my new unit so it makes the time go by faster.

I didn’t forget I have a “ghetto wedding story” for you. I just have to sit down and write it out without laughing my head off.

But anyhoo, on to the title of this post. I always consider myself one who never settles for less. I work my butt off in everything I do. But this weekend, I discovered something I never knew. I’ve been settling for less in my dating relationships.

I mentioned the “New Guy” I met in my birthday post. In case you don’t remember, here’s the short short version. Friend of a friend, really sweet, extremely gentlemanly. Ok, you’re caught up now. So I asked him out this weekend. I’m not usually the aggressive type but since we’ve hung out a few times already, I felt that I could take that liberty. Besides, I’m not sure if he thinks my boy (his friend) and I have something going on so I figured I’d take the initial step. But how about I manage to do something stupid everytime we see each other. On my birthday, I thought he was trying to jump in the front seat when he was trying to open my door. This time, we’re walking into the parking garage and I try to open the door. He says I’m at least consistent. I’m not sure if I’m suffering from “Independent Woman” syndrome or if I just have come to settle for men not doing things like opening doors and walking on the street side of the sidewalk. Now I don’t date very often but I guess I never considered it until now.

It came up again at the end of the night. He’s a really affectionate guy (lots of hugs all night) but I was surprised that this time I only got a closed mouth peck on the lips as a good-night kiss. I was surprised but oddly enough, not disappointed. I’ve gotten used to guys wanting to move faster (especially at the point of the good night kiss) and it was refreshing to have a sense of progression. So this is what courtship feels like huh?

Needless to say I’m enjoying being courted by the “New Guy”. A refreshing change from the clowns I’ve encountered over the past few months. This guy is college educated and intelligent (those are not necessarily mutually inclusive), attractive, funny, employed, not living with mom (I’ve seen his apartment), not a crackhead, has family values, no baby’s momma, and a gentleman. Well let’s just say I’m slightly smitten. Taking things slow is a change for the better. We’ll see where this goes.

But here’s a question for you all… What things are non-negotiables when you meet a new guy/gal and what things have you found out later that you were settling for?