I have a really bad habit to share. I self-sabotage. If there is a way to mentally ruin something, I’m all over it.
I have sabotaged myself frequently throughout med school. My issues with boards and with my classes were the result of me finding everything to do but study. I can convince myself that anything is more important than opening a book. Some of the things are productive like laundry, cooking elaborate meals during tests, etc. I am trying to get ready for the second part of my boards but I have been too busy finding self-destructive things to do like planning graduation balls, working on projects, helping folks with any and every one of their issues.
But my biggest fear right now is that I am going to find a way to sabotage my budding relationship with the New Guy. I read horoscopes from time to time. NG is a Gemini and I’m an Aries so on the surface we’re pretty compatible. But what do I do, I focus on all of the potential showstoppers in the horoscope and find ways to confirm them. You have to be careful what you put out into the universe because you usually get exactly what you ask for. I don’t know if it’s because I have too much free time on my hands or if I’m running from school but now I’m starting to obsess about my fears of starting a new relationship. It’s probably just PMS. I get this way once a month, damn being a girl. The bottom line is that I like NG, he likes me. He’s really busy, I wouldn’t notice so much if I would get busy doing what I need to do. I think that I have an additional fear that if I don’t actively engage in the relationship, he will become disinterested. Boy sometimes I am a mess! Maybe that’s why I’m going back to therapy, I may actually need it!
