Postcards from the Tip of Insanity

I think for the first time, I realize I’m old!

My god-brother AKA My Child is 14 today! Seems like just yesterday he was learning to walk and now he’s getting ready to start high school in the fall. I remember when he would crawl into my bed to “read” the Sunday paper with me and now he’s an almost grown man with a deepening voice.

Where was I???

My niece is 16. She’s thinking about colleges and proms. Wasn’t it just yesterday that I went to prom. Didn’t I start college yesterday? Wait, prom was 14 years ago and I graduated college 10 years ago.

Where was I???

I’m going to a cotillion tonight. The young woman we’re supporting tonight is a beautiful young woman who happens to also be my god-mother’s granddaughter. Wasn’t my own cotillion not too long ago. Oh wait, that was 1991.

Where was I???

I think I need to slow down so I don’t miss so much of the world. Life’s short!

Not much new today. After my little “discussion” with Coach I was a bit drained so I have been in the bed most of the morning. He amuses me. Yesterday he needed an “adult time-out” because our relationship was a bit muddled (or so he says). Me being who I am, I said “whatever, have your time-out and call me whenever”. But instead of this space, I get a thousand text messages and a few phone calls. Can I get some consistency here? I know he was exhausted yesterday because we hung out for a couple hours on Monday but seriously, if you ask me for space, you will probably get it.

Such a study in contradictions. He tells me he isn’t in “relationship mode” but he immediately runs to me when he has an issue. Fear of losing control is my diagnosis. I also think (although he won’t admit it openly) that he is concerned that he is my “rebound” man since he does know about the divorce.

Why can’t people just keep some order in their lives? If you applied for the position of nakedness director in my life, that’s what you are unless you submit a new application!

Okay ya’ll, as my girl would say.. We’re about to cross a barrier. I am having an issue and I have to share it, no matter how much of y’alls business it really isn’t.

I am not getting any!!!

I’m trying to develop something with Coach so I have not visited any of my “tighten up” dudes in a while. Coach and I have been naked, he’s gotten good treatment from me (and he’s stingy with the reciprocity but that’s his issue) but no hot lovely relations yet. I suspect it’s because he places more of a value on the actual act than I do. I’m a pretty hot blooded woman when I want to be. But when I asked him about it, I get no real answer. I mean seriously, if you have a reason, let a sister know.

Then I made the mistake of telling him that my family wants to meet him. Not because they think we’re serious but if I come up missing, they need to be able to describe him to the sketch artist. But this freaked him out and we had to have the “relationship talk”. I mean, seriously, are all Gemini men like this? I am not measuring dude for a tux, I consider him part of my world and my family is part of my world and one day the worlds will collide.

So his solution was to try to run from me. Not that easy. I called him on his bs. He said he needed some space, I said “go for yours”. Then after thinking about it, he backpedals. I need some space became.. I’m just tired. I didn’t mean we wouldn’t talk.

One of my guy friends tells me all the time that I was a dude in a former life. I don’t think that’s it. I think I’m a Grown Arse Woman who knows her own mind (most of the time)

One bible verse that I always refer to when I’m stressing is “Be still and know that I am God”. Sometimes being still is the hardest thing in the world, especially for someone like me who stays three steps ahead of myself in my mind. But the reality is that God moves on God’s agenda, not mine.

I have so much swirling around in my head till I need a motion sickness pill.

I’m still worried about my finances but I am working on the idea that I can do what I can and well as long as there is no debtor’s prison, I’m okay.

I have great news to report: I was accepted to May.o clinic in Flor.ida to do a one month rotation!!!!! This is a big deal to me right now because it involved an application process that was quite extensive. Now I readily admit that I have had issues in medical school but I will make one heck of a doctor. I was petrified to apply because I had convinced myself that rejection was the only possible outcome. It feels good to be reaffirmed that in less than a year, I will be out in the world as a doc and that I will make it. It’s a scary concept but all I can do is “Be still”

Still working on things with Coach (that’s NG’s new name). It has a number of meanings, I’m too shy to share right now. We accidently had the “I may be moving in a year” conversation (which I had contemplated but wasn’t planning to have for at least 6 months). I have decided to let things develop naturally and not try to interject my neurotic need to plan. We’re still enjoying each other’s company (when we are able to coordinate schedules). Be still…..

And I forgot to tell y’all that as if I don’t have enough going on… I joined the Women’s Chorus at church! I have been praying and wondering what ministry I could best serve in. Funny thing is that when I stopped thinking and just waited, there was an announcement in the church bulletin about orientation for the chorus. Seeing that as a sign, I decided to go. I forgot just how much I like to sing (in groups… no solos for the kid. I am NOT Am.ner.is )

Oh well, I guess I should get to getting. I had a military class today and I’m killing time before my long drive home. Coach and I are going out with some of his friends for a birthday celebration so I suppose that I should make a move so that I can make myself look effortlessly flawless.

Until I sit down to write again.. Be Still….

One of those days today…
It rained all day… I have incredible seasonal affect disorder so I really need sunshine in my life.
And on top of that, I’m broke. Matter of fact I’d have to borrow two dollars to be broke. Heck, I’ve contemplated a few criminal activities this week.
And the Army says I need to lose 15lbs. But I just keep eating crap because my money is tighter than tight.

But anyhoo, all of that could bring a person down. But right now, I’m looking up.
Because I need to.
Because I sit in church on Sundays and say that I believe.
Because my journey has taken me down some dark roads but there is light at the end of each and every path.
Because wallowing in a pit of despair is draining and doesn’t acccomplish a damned thing.
Because I am better than I’ve been in a long time despite the momentary sadnesses.

And to make today a brighter day, today would have been wedding anniversary number 4. So much has happened over the past year. Had this been a few months ago, I might have frowned at the thought that this would have been a special day. But you know what, it is a special day! Another day to be thankful for being free of the burden of an ineffective relationship. Another day to be excited about all of the possibility in my budding relationship with NG. Last year this time, I was burdened by my own fears and insecurities related to my “failure” in walking away from my marriage. This year I am 5 months from the end of medical school, happily dating, refreshed, renewed and healing. Can’t wait to see what next year brings

Ok so I have a few things to talk about so I’ll make one convoluted post

March of Dimes Walk
Or rather, shall we just call it what it was … The March of Dimes Swim! Yes it rained for 4.5 of th 6.2 miles that we walked. If it wasn’t for a good cause, the kid might have been in a cab! Surprisingly, I didn’t have any blisters or aches and pains. I guess I’m finally getting back in shape!

Graduation Ball
I co-chaired the Graduation Ball for the class I should have graduated with. $21,000 bucks for one night! It was a beautiful night and I’m so glad it is finally over. I wore one of my bridesmaid’s dresses and I got a ton of compliments (see you can get at least one more use out of those things sometimes). My co-chair (a man) had been in Malaysia the last month before the ball so I was left to take care of details. Not that I hadn’t taken care of the majority of the details anyway since he’s a man and didn’t have any experience planning something like this.

Self-sabotage
The subject of my last proteccted post (which I think I will un-protect) was self-sabotage. I’m actively working on that issue now. It’s taking alot of prayer and inner conversation for me to be able to understand that I can’t undermine all of my progress with negativity. I have to work hard to make my outward positive appearance my inner beliefs. It’s amazing how much we can bring forth with just our minds.

Him
Still working on a name for Him. No new dates lately because we’ve both been pretty busy. I have seen him a couple of times when I gave him a ride home from work. I think he’s finally beginning to understand that what I do for him says alot about the type of person he is. If he were a complete arse, not only would I not be dating him, but I certainly wouldn’t go out of my way to do things for him.

We’re still sending a million and one text messages and/or emails a day. I think we both get a kick out of the constant surprise in our technological conversations. It’s much more fun (at least for the two of us) to make a wisecrack and then anticipate the wisecrack that will be returned. I know, super geek meets super geek. So! I’m enjoying it and trying not to think so much and just relax and let things evolve.

Ok that’s all for now, playing hooky from work today. Sorta don’t feel well, sorta just plain ole don’t want to go!