Postcards from the Tip of Insanity

For some odd reason I’ve been thinking alot about the men in my world

Past
1. “Not Mine”: Not Mine was a guy from high school who happened to be dating one of my close friends. Yes I know, rule number one broken. But for for some odd reason, I could separate my friend from Not Mine’s girlfriend. They were two different people to me. Not Mine and I were really compatible (as much as you can be in high school). We had an addiction to one another. We’re still friends to this day. We messed around a bit after the divorce (and a few times while I was dating the now ex-husband). He provided me with the attention I crave. He’s always known how to push my buttons. He’s crazy as a gang of winos but he’s always had a special place in my heart. He knows I’m dating Coach and he hasn’t pushed up on me in a while. His contribution to the now 31 year old me.. an appreciation for attention.

2. “Perfect Resume”: Guy I cheated on the now ex-husband with in college. Perfect on paper. Degree… check. No children… check. Manages his money well… check. Owns his own home… check. Loves me… check. Emotionally unavailable… yep there’s the problem. he never got over the fact that I chose to stay with the now ex. Today is his birthday. I always send him an email or e-card on his birthday but this year I think I will send him belated wishes. That’s tacky of me I know but I just want to wish him well without seeming pressed to contact him. He showed me that I do want a guy who is successful.

3. “Not Enough”: Yep, the rebound man in Germany. Thought I was in love. Was just in love with the idea of having somebody love me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice guy. We have great conversations. Things change, you know. He thinks it’s all about Coach but the reality is that it’s all about me. Growth and forward movement with someone who is available to take things to the next level. I’m pretty thankful that he showed me that I am not defective. I am worthy of love.

4. “Best Friend”: The ex-husband. We had a fabulous friendship that spanned 13 years. The problem was that we grew in different directions. What I wanted in a husband, he wasn’t equipped to provide. What he wanted in a wife was not me. It has been just about a year and a half since I moved out of the house and about 10 months since the divorce was final. We talk sometimes but not often. I’m thankful for his friendship over the years.

Present
What can I say about Coach that I haven’t said already? We talked yesterday about how you know a person really cares for you even if they don’t say it. He told me about how Dr Phil was saying that a man truly cares for you when they open up the very thing that they hold near and dear to them. Coach said that for him, it’s his apartment. He truly cherishes his alone time and his space. I’ve been here for a whole week and he hasn’t missed any of that. I know that he really and truly cares for me (even before he said that). It was nice to hear him admit it. He even noticed that he thinks of me in future terms (he didn’t say wife or anything). He includes me in future plans automatically without a pause. He kept thanking me for all of my support this LL season. (By the way, they lost the championship by 1 run.) I appreciate that we can go from watching Flavor of Love (for which we need many many moments of silence for the ignorance) to discussing church to just people watching to playing word games on the computer. He’s all of the past rolled up into one. I’m no saint. I told you all that I have cheated in the past. My analysis is that I wanted the total package. I think I may have found him. I haven’t even thought about thinking about cheating on him. And before you say “that’s because it’s all new” I thought about it very early with each of the men in the past. I resisted the temptations quite often (more often than not)

Future
Who knows what the future holds? Coach looked at me yesterday and said “You’re staying here aren’t you?”. We discussed his role in that. I told him that I’m choosing to be happy. I’m happy in Chicago so why move. He’s not the only reason for my current happiness but he plays a role. Staying won’t hurt my career at all. I can’t believe I have come so far in a year.

Ok so I’m back from Dallas. Well really I’m back for a couple weeks then I ride out to Jacksonville Florida for a month.

I’ve been at Coach’s house since Saturday. He actually missed me. I came home to a hot home-cooked meal and presents. That’s about the sweetest thing ever! Especially since I didn’t think he would be the type to buy me a welcome home present when I didn’t really go anywhere. His LL team is in the championship so I’m extra happy to be home to support the team.

BOARDS WERE TODAY!!! Don’t know how I did. I sat down. I answered some questions. I got up. 9 hours. 8 blocks of 46 questions. Didn’t feel brilliant today but I certainly didn’t feel stupid. I have finally jumped that hurdle. Poor Coach had to experience my pre-test jitters. I am a big ole nervous wreck the night before exams. I’m pacing the floor restless as a 4 yr old. He was patient. Prayed with me before I left. Sent me silly pep talks on the instant messenger.

Speaking of 4 yr olds… In Dallas I stayed with my best friend, her husband and my 7 and 4 yr old god-daughters. They had gotten used to me getting up in the morning to go to work but when I left I noticed that the 4 yr old didn’t seem too bothered by my departure. Later in the day, my girl calls to tell me that she was putting away laundry in the little one’s room and she goes to put clothes in the bottom drawer (which I had been using while I was in town). The little one says “No mom, you can’t put things in there. That’s Auntie’s drawer” My girl preceeds to tell her that Auntie went home to Chicago. Her reply “No she just went to work”. AWWWW how cute was that!

That’s all the ramblings I can muster after midnight…. More to tell but I will fill it all in later.

While I’m in Dallas I took the opportunity to visit one of my favorite pastor’s church. Our church is PACKED whenever he comes to town. In fact, they don’t even print it in the bulletin when he is going to be there because church is just too crowded.

It was an ON-TIME sermon.

Pastor told a story that I had heard before in a different context about 4 monkeys. This may get long but it is powerful.

So … a scientist was conducting an experiment. He placed 4 monkeys in a room with a pole. At the top of the pole was a bunch of bananas. The first monkey climbed up to get the bananas and was met by a blast of cold water. He squealed and ran back down the pole.
He got to the bottom and decided to try again. Same cold shower.

The second monkey decided to try it. He too was showered with freezing water. After some time, the third monkey tried too but the others kept him from going up the pole.

The scientist replaced the second monkey with a monkey that had not been privy to the previous experiments. The monkey saw the bananas and went for it. The other monkeys stopped him.

Even after the scientist removed the water source, the monkeys wouldn’t go for the bananas.

Eventually the scientist replaced the monkeys one by one until there were 4 new monkeys that had never been hit with the cold water. But guess what, none of them would attempt to get the bananas.

The message in this is sometimes what holds us back is our experience (the original 2 monkeys).

Sometimes we are held back by what we see others go through (monkeys #3 and 4)

But what is even more interesting is that sometimes we are held back by an ingrained sense of helpnessness. (the new generation of monkeys)

That really hit home for me because sometimes it is my fear of success that has kept me from moving forward and sometimes it is because of some of the negative experiences I have had. I worry about my performance on part 2 of my boards because I had a hard time with part 1. Never mind I have done well in my last 2 years of med school. Fear is so powerful.

I’ve been praying on this since it affects lots of aspects of my life… relationships, finances, school…

What’s keeping you from your bananas?

Wow, it is my blogaversary!!! I really didn’t think I would be able to sustain this for an entire year. I have tried to write in a physical journal so many times but this has truly been an outlet for me. Life has taken me in so many directions over the past year. I wouldn’t trade any of it as it has strengthened me in ways I have yet to realize. And I am truly a junkie, as I am sending this from my Treo.

Today’s post is inspired by alot of things. First, Diva (in Demand’s post . Then, my observations of a few married couples I know. And then of course, my Coach. And let’s not forget the wonderful family movie “Menace to Society” which contained the above song by Hi-Five (anybody know what happened to them?)

Diva’s topic today was about catering to your man. My first reaction was “Cater to Who???” But as I have grown over the past year, I have come to realize that catering is not subservience. Catering is a reaction from your heart. When you love someone, you want their load to be lighter. When they have a bad day, you want to hold them. When they come home, you want to be sure they have a good meal. It’s more than “that’s my role”, it’s about seeing the need and finding a way to meet it.

The trick of course is finding someone who loves you as much as you love them. When YOU have a bad day, they have their arms open. When YOU have a long day, they know how to either cook or pick up the phone and get a pizza. When the baby is crying, they don’t watch you juggling a thousand tasks and say “Girl you better do something about that”.

Love doesn’t take score. Love supports and nurtures. Love knows when to put the need of the other in front of selfish desires.

I have a friend who has been married for almost 10 years. Her husband just sprung the idea of buying a new house on her and expects her to move in three weeks. They both work and have little ones starting school in a week. Talk about stress. Now if you are going to do something like that, you should know that you may have to give her some extra attention. Help in the house more. Give her a day off from the kids. I have another friend who works so well with his wife that they have survived some true relationship-testing situations (family members moving in, financial stresses).

It’s all about the team.

Coach and I are proving to be a pretty good team. He’s gotten very good at anticipating my needs and he tells me quite often that he feels supported by me. We’ve had a disagreement or two but we’ve been able to rationally discuss it and come to some mutual conclusions about how to handle things differently. I truly feel that there is a WE not a ME and YOU. There is definitely a difference. I don’t think this is all “new relationship” bliss. There is a certain level of trust there. I have come to trust that he has OUR best interests at heart and I think he feels the same about me. Now believe me, this relationship is certainly not perfect but it nurtures my heart, arouses my intellect (as well as my loins— ok too much “Coming to America” lately). I’m slowing shaving down the calluses on my heart… hmmmm.

Well… I have been having a really good time in Texas.

I really like the program. The faculty is WONDERFUL! The residents are REALLY nice! The clinic is well set up with a diverse patient population. I’m even feeling smart!

The problem is I don’t know how to make the final decision about whether or not to move. On one hand… I would be very happy in the program… my god-daughters are here.. I have a couple other friends here. On the other hand… my family is in Chicago… I am quite happy in my relationship with Coach… I have a church home in Chicago… I have not saved the kind of money I want to have before moving.

Most people say.. “Do what is best for you”. But really, what does that mean? Is my career more important than my loved ones? I have never been one to draw out the pros and cons because I can always skew the list to reflect what I want to do. I know that I can’t discuss this with Coach because he worries about being a factor in my decision. I just don’t know how to weigh what will make me happy. Most of my decisions have been last minute “gut decisions”. College. Medical School. Everything!

Help me out here… what’s your process for decision making???