For some odd reason I’ve been thinking alot about the men in my world
Past
1. “Not Mine”: Not Mine was a guy from high school who happened to be dating one of my close friends. Yes I know, rule number one broken. But for for some odd reason, I could separate my friend from Not Mine’s girlfriend. They were two different people to me. Not Mine and I were really compatible (as much as you can be in high school). We had an addiction to one another. We’re still friends to this day. We messed around a bit after the divorce (and a few times while I was dating the now ex-husband). He provided me with the attention I crave. He’s always known how to push my buttons. He’s crazy as a gang of winos but he’s always had a special place in my heart. He knows I’m dating Coach and he hasn’t pushed up on me in a while. His contribution to the now 31 year old me.. an appreciation for attention.
2. “Perfect Resume”: Guy I cheated on the now ex-husband with in college. Perfect on paper. Degree… check. No children… check. Manages his money well… check. Owns his own home… check. Loves me… check. Emotionally unavailable… yep there’s the problem. he never got over the fact that I chose to stay with the now ex. Today is his birthday. I always send him an email or e-card on his birthday but this year I think I will send him belated wishes. That’s tacky of me I know but I just want to wish him well without seeming pressed to contact him. He showed me that I do want a guy who is successful.
3. “Not Enough”: Yep, the rebound man in Germany. Thought I was in love. Was just in love with the idea of having somebody love me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice guy. We have great conversations. Things change, you know. He thinks it’s all about Coach but the reality is that it’s all about me. Growth and forward movement with someone who is available to take things to the next level. I’m pretty thankful that he showed me that I am not defective. I am worthy of love.
4. “Best Friend”: The ex-husband. We had a fabulous friendship that spanned 13 years. The problem was that we grew in different directions. What I wanted in a husband, he wasn’t equipped to provide. What he wanted in a wife was not me. It has been just about a year and a half since I moved out of the house and about 10 months since the divorce was final. We talk sometimes but not often. I’m thankful for his friendship over the years.
Present
What can I say about Coach that I haven’t said already? We talked yesterday about how you know a person really cares for you even if they don’t say it. He told me about how Dr Phil was saying that a man truly cares for you when they open up the very thing that they hold near and dear to them. Coach said that for him, it’s his apartment. He truly cherishes his alone time and his space. I’ve been here for a whole week and he hasn’t missed any of that. I know that he really and truly cares for me (even before he said that). It was nice to hear him admit it. He even noticed that he thinks of me in future terms (he didn’t say wife or anything). He includes me in future plans automatically without a pause. He kept thanking me for all of my support this LL season. (By the way, they lost the championship by 1 run.) I appreciate that we can go from watching Flavor of Love (for which we need many many moments of silence for the ignorance) to discussing church to just people watching to playing word games on the computer. He’s all of the past rolled up into one. I’m no saint. I told you all that I have cheated in the past. My analysis is that I wanted the total package. I think I may have found him. I haven’t even thought about thinking about cheating on him. And before you say “that’s because it’s all new” I thought about it very early with each of the men in the past. I resisted the temptations quite often (more often than not)
Future
Who knows what the future holds? Coach looked at me yesterday and said “You’re staying here aren’t you?”. We discussed his role in that. I told him that I’m choosing to be happy. I’m happy in Chicago so why move. He’s not the only reason for my current happiness but he plays a role. Staying won’t hurt my career at all. I can’t believe I have come so far in a year.
