First post of the New Year!

Well the NYE was lovely as always. I was pouting a bit because I didn’t have a fancy new outfit but I dressed up a pair of black and white pants with a cute black cashmere sweater and my extra cute boots so I was feeling okay.

I have stuff on my mind so indulge me while I ramble a bit.

I called my ex-husband today. I don’t really know why. For some reason he’s been on my mind this week or so. Whenever someone is on my mind for a minute, I know I should pick up a phone and check on them. He’s doing fine (as fine as he is willing to tell me about). He is planning to propose to his girlfriend. Funny thing is that I asked about marriage plans and he says “I’ll let you know”. That’s always been Charles-speak for “she’s here but the answer to that is yes”. I’m happy for him, I think. Why the think? I don’t love him anymore but we were together a long time. I sometimes miss our closeness. He’s switched to the day shift (yet another thing I wanted him to do while we were married) which is a MAJOR feat for him. I wish him luck. I invited him to my graduation party (which he probably won’t come to) but what the hell. Why is it that I still feel bad about being divorced? That’s the one thing I have to really work on this year, forgiving myself for walking away from my marriage. I know that life has been so much better but I sincerely wish I didn’t feel like I failed at being a wife. Maybe that’s the reason I called Charles, I wanted him to tell me that I wasn’t a bad wife.

I must confess a secret… I MISS BEING MARRIED. I miss the wholeness of that concept. Girlfriend is such a tentative and transitional phase. Coach’s dad asked him the other day if I was his girlfriend. When we started dating Coach wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship so he was ADAMANT about making sure people knew I wasn’t his girlfriend. So now that the situation has changed, he hasn’t updated those same people. Now don’t get me wrong, I know he loves me to pieces but I was miffed. I know that he wants to be married too. We have little half-conversations about getting married and about how he’s going to spoil our daughter (Little Dida is what he calls her- he has a boy and girl in our fantasy family).

Coach is gone to Arkansas for the weekend with his dad and uncle. Our apartment feels so empty without him. Never mind I left him for two months this summer but I miss him already. There’s nobody in the house singing silly made-up songs about nothing. No ESPN playing on the tv. Just quiet… and it’s getting on my nerves.