Postcards from the Tip of Insanity

As much as I tell people my business, I am really private about my feelings.  I can tell you what I did, when I did it, and why I did it but ask me how it made me feel and I shut down!

My grandmothers are dying.  One is 91 and has Alzheimers and the other is over 80 (yeah I’m trifling and don’t know exactly how old she is).  I’m not ready.  I don’t know how you can get ready to say goodbye.

My father’s mother (the one whose age I don’t know) has uterine cancer which has metastasized to her brain.  She fell two days ago and hit her eye and now she can’t see out of her left eye.  Her doctors think this is all from the tumors in her brain (the eye is actually an extension of the brain— pretty cool– ok doctor geek moment over).  I know my granny and she is not going to stick around long blind.  She’s in the ICU right now (for reasons I’m not certain about) and I just can’t bring myself to go over there.  I’ve always had an unbalanced relationship with my granny.  She always favored the other grandkids because my dad is the family weirdo.  I don’t think it was intentional, but they were always around and she was always too lazy to come and pick us up.  I love her even if she is a crotchety ole lady.  I’ve developed more of a relationship with her as I have gotten older.  The issue is that I feel so guilty about how sporadic my visits to her have been.  I’ve been so wrapped up in my own life that I just haven’t made time to drive 20 minutes to see her.

My mother’s aunt who I consider my grandmother is dying of Alzheimers.  She’s the one who has always been there for me.  She is the one who sent Hawaiian Punch and peanut M&Ms to me when I was in college just because she knew I liked them.  She’s the one we begged to visit every weekend.  I don’t see her as often either.  It just hurts to much to see her so fragile.  When I was growing up, she would wear us OUT!  We’d run errands with her and then need a 2 hour nap!  She’s lived a long and fruitful life I know but I’m selfish and I want her here!

Honestly, I am in pain.  I said it.  I can’t say it with my mouth, I don’t want anybody to feel sorry for me.  So I do what I always do, I come here and say it to me.

First of all… sorry I’ve been gone so long.  I’ve wanted to write, just wasn’t ready to talk yet.  I get that way sometimes.

So let me get one thing out of the way… Today is my Delta Birthday!!!!! 14 years ago at 9:23pm was a long time ago.  Y’all getting old, LOL.

But anyway, that’s not what I’ve got on my mind.  I’m on a lifestyle journey.  I hired a personal trainer (who’s actually a friend from high school) to whip these 50 pounds off me.  So far it’s been a struggle.  You know what, I LIKE bad food.  Rich pasta sauces and strawberry shortcake and burgers!!!!  But I also like veggies and fruit and I’m getting used to the protein bars.  I have the worst time on the weekend when Coach and I like to unwind with pizza or steaks and mashed potatoes.  He’s trying to be supportive but his eating habits are far worse than mine.  Hopefully all of this healthy eating will rub off on him too.  I’ve lost 7 pounds so far, and I’m determined to keep losing!

Coach and I are hanging in there.  We’ve had a MAJOR issue lately (not ready to blog about it just yet) and we’re lovingly trying to work through it.  I still love him as much as ever even if I’m not sure that’s enough.  It takes more than love to sustain a relationship.  Hopefully we’re on a path to resolving our issue together so that we can move forward in our relationship.

So that’s the latest with me.  Doing the best I can with what I got

I don’t remember where I got the saying "I got to get this out my craw".  Hell, I don’t even know what a craw is.  [Just googled it, it’s the pouch on a bird where things tend to get stuck].  Anywhooo, it’s appropriate for how I’m feeling right now.

I got so much in my craw I can’t breathe.  What do I do when that happens?  I blog it out [damn, why am I humming that dang "Walk it out" song now]

Forgive me for the long post but it’s my blog… I write what I want.

- Death:

Call me morbid but I’ve always wondered what they will say about me at my funeral.  I have always wished I could be a fly on the wall at my service [Ok Lord, if there is reincarnation, please let me come back as a beautiful butterfly, not a damn fly].  Yesterday, the women’s chorus at my church sang at the memorial celebration for Nailah Franklin.  Beautiful service!  Talk about six degrees of separation.  I didn’t realize she was a member of our church, didn’t know that a friend used to date her briefly.  I felt as if I got to know her through her service.  It’s amazing how much a stranger’s life can touch you.  Our choir sang so beautifully!  I’m no holy roller but it was nothing but God.

I’m also dealing with some major illnesses in my family.  My great-aunt (who’s more grandmother than aunt) has Alzheimer’s.  She’s 91.  A few days ago she called my mom to the window (mom’s kitchen faces her bathroom.   Our building sits on a corner).  She asked for 7 cents.  My mom asked why and she said she was going to take the bus home.  She had opened the front door and everything.  Scares me shitless!  I can’t handle this.  I know she has lived a long and beautiful life but I keep having these horrible thoughts of her being missing.  She has a caretaker and the neighbor downstairs can hear her if she leaves but anything can happen!  Please pray with and for me on this issue.  My other grandmother has uterine cancer.  She’s a fussy, fiesty, onery ole lady and I can’t imagine my life without her either.  Again, pray with and for us on this one too. 

- Love and Marriage:

I know some strange folks!  One of my closest friends got married 2 weeks ago.  I don’t like his wife, never have.  I think most of the reason they got married is because they have been dating 11 years.  But anyway, that’s not the strange part.  Y’all why was he out to breakfast at 2am with us after his wedding.  She was sleepy so she went home to sleep and he went to his apartment.  Da hell!  The next day he was out with the fellas to watch the game.  Da hell!  They aren’t living together because her lease isn’t up yet. Say it with me now… Da Hell!  I called him and gave him a small piece of advice which was to treat every day of his marriage like it is new.  Nevermind the fact that you have known each other 11 years because you don’t really know each other.  This is not dating, this is new.  He seemed to appreciate that.

I’m still in love with my darling Coach but he was tweaking last week.  We’ve had a minor problem which we have been dealing with for a long time (or so I thought).  He comes to me [well actually he called me at work] to tell me that he hasn’t been the boyfriend I deserve and if I wanted to move on, he understood.  Whoa!!!!! Da Hell!  I haven’t been planning to go anywhere so I had no idea what he was tripping about.  We talked and he agreed to work on his end of the problem and I agreed to work on my end.  Hopefully that’s that and we will continue to be in sync.

Good grief I have been having too much going on.  I’ll have to share my workout news with y’all later.