As much as I tell people my business, I am really private about my feelings.  I can tell you what I did, when I did it, and why I did it but ask me how it made me feel and I shut down!

My grandmothers are dying.  One is 91 and has Alzheimers and the other is over 80 (yeah I’m trifling and don’t know exactly how old she is).  I’m not ready.  I don’t know how you can get ready to say goodbye.

My father’s mother (the one whose age I don’t know) has uterine cancer which has metastasized to her brain.  She fell two days ago and hit her eye and now she can’t see out of her left eye.  Her doctors think this is all from the tumors in her brain (the eye is actually an extension of the brain— pretty cool– ok doctor geek moment over).  I know my granny and she is not going to stick around long blind.  She’s in the ICU right now (for reasons I’m not certain about) and I just can’t bring myself to go over there.  I’ve always had an unbalanced relationship with my granny.  She always favored the other grandkids because my dad is the family weirdo.  I don’t think it was intentional, but they were always around and she was always too lazy to come and pick us up.  I love her even if she is a crotchety ole lady.  I’ve developed more of a relationship with her as I have gotten older.  The issue is that I feel so guilty about how sporadic my visits to her have been.  I’ve been so wrapped up in my own life that I just haven’t made time to drive 20 minutes to see her.

My mother’s aunt who I consider my grandmother is dying of Alzheimers.  She’s the one who has always been there for me.  She is the one who sent Hawaiian Punch and peanut M&Ms to me when I was in college just because she knew I liked them.  She’s the one we begged to visit every weekend.  I don’t see her as often either.  It just hurts to much to see her so fragile.  When I was growing up, she would wear us OUT!  We’d run errands with her and then need a 2 hour nap!  She’s lived a long and fruitful life I know but I’m selfish and I want her here!

Honestly, I am in pain.  I said it.  I can’t say it with my mouth, I don’t want anybody to feel sorry for me.  So I do what I always do, I come here and say it to me.