Postcards from the Tip of Insanity

Dear To Whom It Should Concern,

I can’t decide who I’m mad at, you or me?  Once again, I expected different.  I know I can roll hard and act like I’m okay but come on, you all have known me for YEARS and I’m never as fine as I pretend to be.  On the day of my grandmother’s funeral, not a single phone call.  Not one text message.  Not an email.  And some of you I have known since we were 5. 

I know we get busy with our own lives and families but you guys know that I consider you family.  If you hurt, I hurt.  If you need me, I come.  Where were you when I needed you?

2007 was a fairly good year for me personally, professionally, and financially.  But know this, 2008 is the year of re-evaluation.  If you are dead weight, you will get tossed.  I don’t care how long I’ve known you or how “close” I think we are.  This transition has been going on since 2005.  I’m back!  The weight on my body is coming off and the weight in my heart is next.  This is NOT the first time I have felt this way.  Graduation.  During the divorce. 

You have never seen me go into my hermit phase.  Y’all know I am my father’s daughter, when I want to disappear, I’m gone.

If this doesn’t apply to you, don’t get upset.  It clearly applies to somebody, or else I wouldn’t have written it.

Dear Santa,

Thanks for bringing me the Wii and the perfumes and the clothes.  You done good!! Even though I was slightly naughty, I’m glad you thought overall I was nice. 

Thank you for the gift of my granny.  I know her pain is over and that she is dancing and cutting up in heaven.

Thanks again for another wonderful Christmas.  I hope you dropped off great gifts to my internet family too (even SIP, who is probably on the naughty list but he means well most of the time).

And I know it’s early Santa, but by next year, can you help Mr Coach shop for a shiny pretty thing?  I know you just got finished with your rounds but um, I promise to be really really good (at least when you’re watching).  If you help, I won’t leave you those stale cookies like I did that one year.

Merry Christmas!

With love,

the cute one with the rosy cheeks

My granny passed this morning.

My dad called me first since I’m the soldier and I should be up at 6am.  I keep telling my sister it’s because I’m his favorite (she’s 41 and I’m 32 and we still have this conversation on a regular basis— sick I know)

Weird thing is, I can’t cry.  I tried.  I’m hurt that I won’t see her anymore but I am so glad she isn’t suffering anymore.  I haven’t been able to cry at all lately.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I put on a few CDs and I sang away my hurt.  The strange thing is that I felt the beginning of a tear and it ran back up into my eye and settled in my stomach.  My stomach has been hurting all day.

Well keep me and the fam in your prayers.  Services will be this Saturday.  My dad said they are still trying to figure out where to have the repast because we have a GINORMOUS family.

You step away from writing for a minute and the next thing you know it’s been a month.

When we last left our heroine, she had just been out to see Frankie Beverly and Maze and was in love with life.  Let’s catch up:

I’m still alive.  No real reason for not writing.  Had some ups and downs but I’m working through it all.

1. Family: My granny is not doing well.  I’m taking my brother over to see her tomorrow.  I hate the waiting.  I don’t want her to suffer so if she is ready to go and the Lord says so, I can say goodbye.  It’s selfish of people to want to have folks lingering on forever when they are sick.  My brother is going to be a dad again (so looking forward to a new baby).  After the death of my niece last year this time, it’s kinda stressful for them this time of the year.  But this baby seems to be doing well.  I’ve nicknamed him "WildStyle" because at my brother’s girlfriend’s last doctor visit they did an ultrasound.  The techs were amazed because he was the most active baby they have seen.  They said it looked like he was playing with toys and dancing in there!  Buck Wild!  The techs kept bringing in people to watch him… LOL

2. Thanksgiving weekend:

Oh my god!  5 houses on Turkey Day!  With my granny being sick, I had to add her house to the list.  We started at Coach’s sister’s house, went to my best friend’s mom’s house to sing Happy Birthday to my god-daughter, went to my aunt’s house, went to my granny’s, and finally ended up at my sister’s.  We had every intention of going midnight madness shopping at the outlet but my sister had some "Thanksgiving guests" that were mad comedy so we stuck around until they left so we could talk about them (and yes I must post the story).  All this after I walked a 5 mile Turkey Trot with my best friend in the morning to preempt the eating.  I did well, only ate at 2 houses (and really only one full plate).  Friday we had dinner with out of town friends.  Saturday we had breakfast with Miss Diva!! (love her!) She finally got to meet Coach.  Left there and went shopping then out to dinner with my girl for her bday.  Sunday we ended up at the outlet mall because I was house sitting for a friend and needed to go by and check on the house.  9 locations in 4 days… mama was T I Tired (as my momma would say)

3. Life:

So life is okay right now.  Lost 20 pounds so far!!!  The trainer is still kicking my butt.  Been in a little funk but that’s mostly weather related (my crazy pills aren’t working fast enough, and I never remember to take them).  Loving my Coach (most of the time).  Okay so I mentioned dinner with my girl for her bday.  Well my darling ex-something was there with his new wife.  I knew they were coming since we all hang out together.  Wife has been extra sweet to me since they got married.  I’m friendly but not fake.  But yo!  Why was he staring at me the ENTIRE dinner?  I was fine as frog hair but doggone!  I thought I was imagining things until one of our other friends said later "What’s up with him staring at her all night?"  I’m sooooo glad Coach didn’t notice.  One of my other high school friends was there too with his wife (I love her for him!).  I’m glad she’s cool with our friendship.  We never really dated (unless you count the fact that he was my prom date).  Our romance went like this:

- I like you

- I like you too

- Did you see what just happened on UnderDog?… lmao that is ACTUALLY what happened.

Y’all why did we break out in our favorite duet of "All Cried Out" at the dang table!  We used to sing that every morning our senior yr of high school.  We would put both earphones in my Sony Sport Walkman with the dual earphone jacks (yeah I’m old, what’s it to ya) and sing in the hall.  I must say after all these years, "We still have the pipes" [Shout out to Eddie King- Five Heartbeats].  My boy’s wife was cracking up laughing at us!  She is EXACTLY who I would have picked out for him.  She’s fun and sweet and their love is palpable!

Guess that’s all that’s going on with me.  I promise to write more.  Now that I knocked the cobwebs off, I’m looking forward to writing again.  I may make some changes around here, I’m not feeling as exhausted as I once was