Stop the ride… I want to get OFF!
I’m tired.
Packing
Moving
Studying for my ACLS class for residency
Being a good aunt to my brother’s step-kids
Being a good sister
Being a good friend
Being in love
Being in limbo
Being the new owner of a 2008 Altima named Pretty Ricky
Just tired.
I wish I could muster the strength to at least write in complete sentences to finish this post but fa real, fa really real, I am TIRED and I have to take a test tomorrow.
Smooches
Life is an incredibly wild rollercoaster ride!
One moment I am lamenting my lack of apartment and the next I am the happy tenant of a 2 bedroom in a quiet suburb with reasonable rent.
One moment I am lamenting my relationship issues and the next I am smiling in my heart.
One moment I am lamenting my year of military service and the next I am signing my discharge paperwork.
A series of moments. Memories. Tears. Smiles. A life lived in moments that feel so disconnected but are the steps to goals.
I am on a journey back to me. One of my best friends told me yesterday that I have to stop trying to be who people expect me to be and just be me. Her take on my current relationship dilemma is that Coach is more like the person people expect quiet, smart, responsible me to be with. And I am quiet, smart, and responsible. But I am also silly, fun, occasionally alcohol soaked, smart-aleky, relaxed, sexy me too. The person I am meant to be with gives me the freedom to be all of those things. That may be why Coach thinks I’m different now. But I’m not different, I’m just me. Me who loves to be busy, not just stay in and watch tv. Me who loves doing volunteer work. Me who likes old man liquor and fru-fru-la-la drinks too. Me who loves to be nekkid and adores good sex. Me who loves an intellectual challenge. Me who colors in kids coloring books and then goes off to ponder the eloquent writings of Ralph Ellison. Me… unplugged.
This is about to be quite stream of conscious so forgive me in advance…
I’ve made decisions and I have to live with them. I’m moving out of the apartment we share. He’s hurting so bad right now but I have to do this for me. He’s not the same person he was 2 years ago and frankly, neither am I. I don’t know when it turned but it turned. I don’t love him the same way I used to. He knows how badly he messed up and I wish that was enough. I need space. I want to get married again but I want to be sure that I have full self-realization again. My previous marriage and divorce really messed me up in that I came out of it stronger but still unsure that I had what it takes to be a wife, a mother, an independent grown woman. Book smarts isn’t enough to get me through this stuff, I have to dig deep inside myself. I worry about Coach though. He’s having such a hard time. Bad thing is, my sister noticed the change in us. She called me to ask me what was going on. It’s not that I don’t care for him, I just have come to some really hard realizations about us and about myself.
Apartment hunting SUCKS! I know what I want and what I want to pay. Nobody is cooperating. Either the place is in the hood or too small or just not right. Man one was on the alley! Ain’t trying to make it easy for Creepy Killa Man to get me. He’s gonna have to climb some stairs or scale a fence or something! I want to move by the first week of June. Dragging this out just makes it harder on everybody.
I’m so on edge right now. I need a get-away.
