Postcards from the Tip of Insanity

Hey…

I don’t know who’s reading but I’m still alive.  I can’t believe it’s been that long since I wrote on my own blog.  (Not for lack of material, that’s for sure).  One day turned into two which turned into a few months.  But I’m back.  I missed blogging but I wasn’t sure where to start.

So let’s start at today…

Residency…

     Is tough!  So far I’ve completed 2 months of Surgery, 2 months of Pediatrics, and 2 months on our Inpatient Service.  1/2 way finished with my first year!!!  I’m learning so much about managing patients and about managing a career.  I can’t believe I’m doing what I love.  This month I’m on Obstetrics.  I helped deliver a couple babies so far!  Really exciting sometimes.  Sometimes it makes me a little sad because I really want kids and I wonder when it will be my turn.  I’ll have to blog about some of my favorite patients soon.  The REALLY special ones, love me.

Love…

     I haven’t told you guys about the new man in my life.  I’ll have to come up with a blog name for him.  We’ve known each other since high school.  Who knew we would get along so well romantically.  He went to high school with The Ass and has been best friends with one of my best friends since kindergarten.  Our paths have crossed a million times but we’ve always just been friends.  About a year ago, we ran into each other at a wedding and have been best buds ever since.  I was dating Coach and he had a girlfriend so initially nothing romantic was popping off (even though I did know he has thought I was cute since HS).  I plead the fifth about whether anything happened before our breakups.  But since then, we have been utterly inseparable. 

     I went back and read some things I wrote about Coach and other men in my past and at first I was worried because my feelings for this one sound vaguely familiar.  But in analysis with a few of my best friends, I have come to understand that what I felt for the men in the past is no less genuine than what I feel now.  They were preparation for what I have now.  I’m totally myself with him, I was always guarded with Coach and I was sure nuff rusty in the dating game with the other fellows. He accepts me flaws and all, as I do with him.  Our relationship isn’t perfect, but I am so happy and proud to have him in my corner.  I told him the other day that I used to joke about rolling all my exes and male friends up to make a wonderful man for me.  The weird thing is that he is all of them in one.  My family likes him so far and my friends love him.  Well then again, they always say that until the breakup… then they tell me how they really feel. I’m some crazy kind of in love with him, we’re even that "cutesy couple" that I always laugh at.  I can’t believe I’m the "honey" and "sweetheart" kind of gal now.  My niece is even willing to share him with me, and she doesn’t like anyone!

 So I’m back… gonna do better!  I miss sharing my life with the world

I’m back!  Never really went anywhere, just wasn’t in a writing place.  This might be long so I will try to focus.

- Coach and I broke up.  There comes a time when you have to do what is right for yourself and your partner.  Things just weren’t working between us.  The ackwardness of trying to force the relationship was taking a toll on both of us. No tears, no yelling.  Just two adults who realize that they were trying to make something work that may not be meant to be.  I’m not really sure where the change happened but over time I have come to realize that I was "making do".  Coach is a great guy and a good friend and honestly I wish I could find the right woman for him but I know that she is not me

- The Ass and I are friends again.  We talked for 2.5 hours last week about everything from the military to relationships.  He’s grown alot over the past 3 years.  His wedding is unfortunately postponed right now.  I feel bad for him because I know what it took for him to open himself up to the possibility of getting married again.  What I found interesting is that when he started seeing her, he was so busy trying to correct all of the wrongs in our marriage that she never really met the real him.  He made a lot of changes for her but he didn’t realize that he was only really doing that to exorcise the demon of our marriage.  He never really dealt with our divorce because they got together 2 weeks after I moved out.  I really missed his friendship

- Residency is going pretty well. I finished my first month of Surgery.  I’m surprised at what I remember about medicine after the year off and sometimes surprised at what I have forgotten too.  I LOVE my fellow family medicine interns! A great group of people all around.  We’re the single class (nobody is married, no kids, no engagements yet) so we’re always down to hang out.  I have a new Partner in Crime in my class.  We keep each other in tears laughing! 

Just thought I would check in.  I’ll try to do better.  I’m not that busy, just got lots on my mind.

I’m tired.

Packing

Moving

Studying for my ACLS class for residency

Being a good aunt to my brother’s step-kids

Being a good sister

Being a good friend

Being in love

Being in limbo

Being the new owner of a 2008 Altima named Pretty Ricky

Just tired.

I wish I could muster the strength to at least write in complete sentences to finish this post but fa real, fa really real, I am TIRED and I have to take a test tomorrow.

Smooches

This is about to be quite stream of conscious so forgive me in advance…

I’ve made decisions and I have to live with them.  I’m moving out of the apartment we share.  He’s hurting so bad right now but I have to do this for me.  He’s not the same person he was 2 years ago and frankly, neither am I.  I don’t know when it turned but it turned.  I don’t love him the same way I used to.  He knows how badly he messed up and I wish that was enough.  I need space.  I want to get married again but I want to be sure that I have full self-realization again.  My previous marriage and divorce really messed me up in that I came out of it stronger but still unsure that I had what it takes to be a wife, a mother, an independent grown woman.  Book smarts isn’t enough to get me through this stuff, I have to dig deep inside myself.  I worry about Coach though.  He’s having such a hard time.  Bad thing is, my sister noticed the change in us.  She called me to ask me what was going on.  It’s not that I don’t care for him, I just have come to some really hard realizations about us and about myself.

Apartment hunting SUCKS!  I know what I want and what I want to pay. Nobody is cooperating.  Either the place is in the hood or too small or just not right.  Man one was on the alley!  Ain’t trying to make it easy for Creepy Killa Man to get me.  He’s gonna have to climb some stairs or scale a fence or something!  I want to move by the first week of June.  Dragging this out just makes it harder on everybody. 

I’m so on edge right now.  I need a get-away.

From the very bottom of my heart, I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.  The connection of hearts has been comforting.  Please know that your warmth and generousity reached me from no matter how far in land distance you may be.

This has been a very difficult week.  I have cried more than I would ever admit.  But I have smiled and laughed too.  The joy that Jaylen brought to my heart will never go away.  The love that we have as a family has sustained me.  My friends (both those I can pick out of a line-up and my screen friends) have shown me more love than I could have imagined.

Diva and I went to see Alvin Ailey this evening.  The night out lifted my spirits (thanks again hun!).  There is something so powerful about seeing my people doing their thing!  I go every year and this was one of my favorite performances.

I am hanging in there.  The service for my Jaylen is tomorrow.  Continue to pray with me, as I continue to pray for you.

If you have ever uttered a prayer before… PRAY FOR ME AND MY FAMILY

My brother rushed my 1 month old nephew to the hospital on Saturday morning because he was crying inconsolably and his belly was expanding.  They did tests and found that he had a bowel malrotation and off he went to emergency surgery.  They got him stable and were observing him for 24-48 hours to see when they could complete his bowel surgery (to remove any remaining dead bowel that choked off from inadequate blood supply). 

We thought he was doing ok until the 830 am phone call I got telling me to come to the hospital because he wasn’t going to make it.

My angel went home at 157pm.  His big sister Maya came to get him. 

I ache in a place so deep inside me you need heavy machinery to dig to it.

I ache for my brother who has lost 2 children since Dec 2006 (his only children)

I ache for a family that has to make arrangements for services for a one month old.

I ache for my mother who has lost her only two grandchildren.

I just ache.

Yesterday my family prayed together, we cried together, we laughed together and lord knows we had to drink together.  Jaylen was a precious gift from God and God saw fit to call him home.  It isn’t for me to ask why, just to ask that he mends the hole in my heart.

Hug a child today.  No matter how young and healthy they seem, God calls little angels too.

Dear To Whom It Should Concern,

I can’t decide who I’m mad at, you or me?  Once again, I expected different.  I know I can roll hard and act like I’m okay but come on, you all have known me for YEARS and I’m never as fine as I pretend to be.  On the day of my grandmother’s funeral, not a single phone call.  Not one text message.  Not an email.  And some of you I have known since we were 5. 

I know we get busy with our own lives and families but you guys know that I consider you family.  If you hurt, I hurt.  If you need me, I come.  Where were you when I needed you?

2007 was a fairly good year for me personally, professionally, and financially.  But know this, 2008 is the year of re-evaluation.  If you are dead weight, you will get tossed.  I don’t care how long I’ve known you or how “close” I think we are.  This transition has been going on since 2005.  I’m back!  The weight on my body is coming off and the weight in my heart is next.  This is NOT the first time I have felt this way.  Graduation.  During the divorce. 

You have never seen me go into my hermit phase.  Y’all know I am my father’s daughter, when I want to disappear, I’m gone.

If this doesn’t apply to you, don’t get upset.  It clearly applies to somebody, or else I wouldn’t have written it.

You step away from writing for a minute and the next thing you know it’s been a month.

When we last left our heroine, she had just been out to see Frankie Beverly and Maze and was in love with life.  Let’s catch up:

I’m still alive.  No real reason for not writing.  Had some ups and downs but I’m working through it all.

1. Family: My granny is not doing well.  I’m taking my brother over to see her tomorrow.  I hate the waiting.  I don’t want her to suffer so if she is ready to go and the Lord says so, I can say goodbye.  It’s selfish of people to want to have folks lingering on forever when they are sick.  My brother is going to be a dad again (so looking forward to a new baby).  After the death of my niece last year this time, it’s kinda stressful for them this time of the year.  But this baby seems to be doing well.  I’ve nicknamed him "WildStyle" because at my brother’s girlfriend’s last doctor visit they did an ultrasound.  The techs were amazed because he was the most active baby they have seen.  They said it looked like he was playing with toys and dancing in there!  Buck Wild!  The techs kept bringing in people to watch him… LOL

2. Thanksgiving weekend:

Oh my god!  5 houses on Turkey Day!  With my granny being sick, I had to add her house to the list.  We started at Coach’s sister’s house, went to my best friend’s mom’s house to sing Happy Birthday to my god-daughter, went to my aunt’s house, went to my granny’s, and finally ended up at my sister’s.  We had every intention of going midnight madness shopping at the outlet but my sister had some "Thanksgiving guests" that were mad comedy so we stuck around until they left so we could talk about them (and yes I must post the story).  All this after I walked a 5 mile Turkey Trot with my best friend in the morning to preempt the eating.  I did well, only ate at 2 houses (and really only one full plate).  Friday we had dinner with out of town friends.  Saturday we had breakfast with Miss Diva!! (love her!) She finally got to meet Coach.  Left there and went shopping then out to dinner with my girl for her bday.  Sunday we ended up at the outlet mall because I was house sitting for a friend and needed to go by and check on the house.  9 locations in 4 days… mama was T I Tired (as my momma would say)

3. Life:

So life is okay right now.  Lost 20 pounds so far!!!  The trainer is still kicking my butt.  Been in a little funk but that’s mostly weather related (my crazy pills aren’t working fast enough, and I never remember to take them).  Loving my Coach (most of the time).  Okay so I mentioned dinner with my girl for her bday.  Well my darling ex-something was there with his new wife.  I knew they were coming since we all hang out together.  Wife has been extra sweet to me since they got married.  I’m friendly but not fake.  But yo!  Why was he staring at me the ENTIRE dinner?  I was fine as frog hair but doggone!  I thought I was imagining things until one of our other friends said later "What’s up with him staring at her all night?"  I’m sooooo glad Coach didn’t notice.  One of my other high school friends was there too with his wife (I love her for him!).  I’m glad she’s cool with our friendship.  We never really dated (unless you count the fact that he was my prom date).  Our romance went like this:

- I like you

- I like you too

- Did you see what just happened on UnderDog?… lmao that is ACTUALLY what happened.

Y’all why did we break out in our favorite duet of "All Cried Out" at the dang table!  We used to sing that every morning our senior yr of high school.  We would put both earphones in my Sony Sport Walkman with the dual earphone jacks (yeah I’m old, what’s it to ya) and sing in the hall.  I must say after all these years, "We still have the pipes" [Shout out to Eddie King- Five Heartbeats].  My boy’s wife was cracking up laughing at us!  She is EXACTLY who I would have picked out for him.  She’s fun and sweet and their love is palpable!

Guess that’s all that’s going on with me.  I promise to write more.  Now that I knocked the cobwebs off, I’m looking forward to writing again.  I may make some changes around here, I’m not feeling as exhausted as I once was

Can I tell y’all how much I love me some Frankie Beverly and Maze?!!!! I have seen them in concert at least 5 times in multiple cities.  Now usually, I’m pretty quiet and shy (shut up Diva!) but get me in a Maze concert and I cuts da fool!

I took Coach to his first Maze concert last weekend.  Absolutely great seats!  Front row of the boxes.  Hot Damn!!  We had such a wonderful time dancing and singing along.  Nothing I like better than hanging out with my sweetie just being us. 

Golden Time of Day is one of my favorites, even more so since I met Coach.  Every night he hugs me and hums that song.  Being in his arms is my favorite time of day.  Ok, enough with the sap

I’m in a good place right now.  My granny is doing a little better.  She’s out of the regular hospital and in the rehab facility.  She’s still fussing so we know she’s doing ok.  She came out of her brain surgery well but she still can’t see out of her left eye.

So why did I have to almost go off on security at the rehab hospital?  Ok my dizzy daddy didn’t tell me that she had moved to rehab so I go over to the main hospital.  I get to the rehab at 7:50 and visiting hours are over at 8.  Well since 7:50 isn’t 8 I ask for a visitors badge.  You know dude acted like I couldn’t go up… sheeeeet!  Bet I did.  I just wanted to say hi to my granny and go.  My brother and I went up and said hi and left.  My mom and Coach stayed downstairs since they only allowed 2 guests at a time.  Coach is such a sweetie.  He was exhausted and so was I but he drove us to the hospital because he knew I needed it.

I’m still losing weight!  My trainer is the devil but I love working out with him.

Guess that’s enough for now. Talk to y’all later.