First post of the New Year!
Well the NYE was lovely as always. I was pouting a bit because I didn’t have a fancy new outfit but I dressed up a pair of black and white pants with a cute black cashmere sweater and my extra cute boots so I was feeling okay.
I have stuff on my mind so indulge me while I ramble a bit.
I called my ex-husband today. I don’t really know why. For some reason he’s been on my mind this week or so. Whenever someone is on my mind for a minute, I know I should pick up a phone and check on them. He’s doing fine (as fine as he is willing to tell me about). He is planning to propose to his girlfriend. Funny thing is that I asked about marriage plans and he says “I’ll let you know”. That’s always been Charles-speak for “she’s here but the answer to that is yes”. I’m happy for him, I think. Why the think? I don’t love him anymore but we were together a long time. I sometimes miss our closeness. He’s switched to the day shift (yet another thing I wanted him to do while we were married) which is a MAJOR feat for him. I wish him luck. I invited him to my graduation party (which he probably won’t come to) but what the hell. Why is it that I still feel bad about being divorced? That’s the one thing I have to really work on this year, forgiving myself for walking away from my marriage. I know that life has been so much better but I sincerely wish I didn’t feel like I failed at being a wife. Maybe that’s the reason I called Charles, I wanted him to tell me that I wasn’t a bad wife.
I must confess a secret… I MISS BEING MARRIED. I miss the wholeness of that concept. Girlfriend is such a tentative and transitional phase. Coach’s dad asked him the other day if I was his girlfriend. When we started dating Coach wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship so he was ADAMANT about making sure people knew I wasn’t his girlfriend. So now that the situation has changed, he hasn’t updated those same people. Now don’t get me wrong, I know he loves me to pieces but I was miffed. I know that he wants to be married too. We have little half-conversations about getting married and about how he’s going to spoil our daughter (Little Dida is what he calls her- he has a boy and girl in our fantasy family).
Coach is gone to Arkansas for the weekend with his dad and uncle. Our apartment feels so empty without him. Never mind I left him for two months this summer but I miss him already. There’s nobody in the house singing silly made-up songs about nothing. No ESPN playing on the tv. Just quiet… and it’s getting on my nerves.
I have a really bad habit to share. I self-sabotage. If there is a way to mentally ruin something, I’m all over it.
I have sabotaged myself frequently throughout med school. My issues with boards and with my classes were the result of me finding everything to do but study. I can convince myself that anything is more important than opening a book. Some of the things are productive like laundry, cooking elaborate meals during tests, etc. I am trying to get ready for the second part of my boards but I have been too busy finding self-destructive things to do like planning graduation balls, working on projects, helping folks with any and every one of their issues.
But my biggest fear right now is that I am going to find a way to sabotage my budding relationship with the New Guy. I read horoscopes from time to time. NG is a Gemini and I’m an Aries so on the surface we’re pretty compatible. But what do I do, I focus on all of the potential showstoppers in the horoscope and find ways to confirm them. You have to be careful what you put out into the universe because you usually get exactly what you ask for. I don’t know if it’s because I have too much free time on my hands or if I’m running from school but now I’m starting to obsess about my fears of starting a new relationship. It’s probably just PMS. I get this way once a month, damn being a girl. The bottom line is that I like NG, he likes me. He’s really busy, I wouldn’t notice so much if I would get busy doing what I need to do. I think that I have an additional fear that if I don’t actively engage in the relationship, he will become disinterested. Boy sometimes I am a mess! Maybe that’s why I’m going back to therapy, I may actually need it!
Since I love reading about O’s XXXXX. I’ve been thinking alot about what I want in a relationship. I mentioned the “New Guy” in a few previous posts so I guess I’ll update the situation.
I don’t know where to begin. I know I’ve been wishing for a good man to enter my life but I know that I probably only half-heartedly believed before. I had pretty much given up on finding someone when I stumbled on this one. I have to come up with a cute blog name for him but right now I just can’t think of a one word that sums him up. I know it’s all new and at this point everything is cute and wonderful but the interesting thing is that I have a connection to this one that I haven’t had with any of my other dalliances. This time it isn’t about a physical attraction or the fact that we talk alot, it’s somehow different. There’s a certain easy companionship and friendship developing that I am certainly enjoying.
Funny thing is, he’s pretty surprised about the ease of our friendship too. We were talking yesterday about random things and I brought up a secret that he told me. He didn’t even realize that it had just sorta slipped out of him. Matter of fact he was teasing me about how I know things that his family doesn’t even know and how surprised he is that he feels this comfortable with me. I’m more of an open book but I have other friends who are protective of their innermost thoughts so I can understand how big of a deal it is to him. Matter of fact, one of his best friends was just saying that he is only a “motor mouth” with me and that I bring out a side of him that he hasn’t seen in a long time.
I like making life easier for him. He’s working 2 jobs and he doesn’t have a car right now. Yesterday was the first time he took me up on my offer to pick him up from the night job. Took alot of arm twisting and explaining to him that this wasn’t a ploy to come over to the house, I just wanted to see him and do something nice for him. He’s the type that wants to do all of the nice things but I think he’s finally understanding that there are no strings, just me being me. I picked him up, took him home, talked to him in the car for 10 minutes and went home to my house. But how about I love that he always wants me to call when I get home so that he knows I’m safe. Like I didn’t drive at night before I met him.
The timing of course is interesting. I will be away doing rotations for 2 months this summer and for a long time I have contemplated moving out of Chicago. Now I’m thinking maybe I’ll play it by ear and make the decision as it gets closer. I am still preparing myself for a move but I’m also looking at the possibility of staying. Not necessarily for him but because I may not need to run away from home anymore. Part of my wanderlust was the fact that I was lonely and thinking that maybe a fresh start is what I need. But maybe, and this is just a maybe, I can have a fresh start here too.
