Postcards from the Tip of Insanity

1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. What is the one thing you regret most in life?

My biggest regret is that I led with my heart and not with my head for so many years.  Most of my big mistakes have come from doing what I "thought" I should do instead of weighing the pros and cons.  I married a man who I fought with for years because I wanted to see things to the end.  I didn’t focus on med school the first time around because I was too busy making everybody else happy.  I could go on and on and on but I won’t.

2. Tell the details of the most memorable day of your life so far?

Hmmmm… no days stand out bigger than the others but if pressed, I would have to say May 11, 2007.  The details of the day are pretty ho hum but it is a day of significance because exactly eleven full years after my college graduation, I crossed the stage with my M.D.   The years prior were full of a marriage, a divorce, a couple romantic relationships, 3 years on active duty in Louisiana, a trip to Japan, 3 cars, a dog and 18 cats.  So many times on the journey I didn’t think I would make it but one sunny afternoon, a hood was placed around my shoulders and I was bestowed with a title I dreamed about all of my life.

3.  You’re planning your perfect day…….tell us about it?

I would wake up after 10 am to breakfast in bed (homemade waffles, bacon, a mimosa) served by my love.  After breakfast a full day at the spa, a good meal at one of my favorite restaurants capped by a Frankie Beverly and Maze concert. 

4.  The ship’s going down and you can only grab 5 things before you have to get off and go to the island….what do you take?

a.  My ipod and unlimited batteries for my portable charger

b. A blanket, I hate to get cold

c. Signaling equipment (a mirror or flashlight or something)

d. A book

e. Hell, I can’t think of anything else, I don’t get caught up in material possessions

5. The secret video is out…..who do you call first and why?

The morgue… somebody is gonna die!  I leave nooooo evidence

So I started my ICU rotation this past Monday.  This is a rotation I have been dreading all of intern year because I don’t really like caring for really sick people.  I don’t mind taking care of some sick people but having 4 patients who all have one foot on a banana peel is a bit much for me.  I tend to get personally invested in my patients and it’s really tough to watch people die.

The past few days have been especially challenging.  I have a patient who is dying (very actively dying).  The family isn’t sure whether or not they want to withdraw support.  This is a guy who has been in a nursing home for months, not mobile, not speaking, nothing.  That for me is just not living.  Too many people keep their loved ones alive to assuage their own guilt.  I have already told everyone I love and who loves me that if I am brain dead, not coming back… pull my plug!  The poor wife, this is a horrible time for her.  Her husband said he didn’t want to live on machines but she’s just not sure what that means.  But seriously, the guy isn’t aware of his surroundings, his eyes are half open with no response.  Let go.  Every time she gets ready to withdraw care, the primary physician on the case manages to talk her out of it.  For what?  Do yourselves a favor, everyone (all 3 of you.. LOL)… have an advanced medical directive.  Talk to your loved ones about your wishes and put them in writing!

 The interesting thing is that I’m such a family doc.  We were discussing the plan of care with my patient’s family and the wife started crying.  I had several discussions with her prior to this and started to build a good rapport, so I put my hand on her shoulder and told her that I know it must be hard for her.  The family started crying and my immediate response was to get tissue for everyone.  Perhaps that stems from having been a family member with a dying loved one or just from a connection with human emotions.  My senior resident was with me and even she was surprised that I got tissues.  I didn’t have to say anything, sometimes just one small act of dignity helps a person feel better.  It’s really hard to have a serious, focused discussion when you are trying to snort up the snot bubbles.

 Thank goodness ICU is only one month out of the whole year.  7 months of intern year down, 5 more blocks to go.  I still have 2 more months on our inpatient service, a month of OB-Gyn, ER and Ambulatory Pediatrics/Nursery left.  Go me!!

Okay so it’s been two weeks since my last update… sue me (you’ll still be broke)!

Obstetrics has been kicking my butt!  By far the worst call nights I have ever had.  Usually when I’m on call I get at least 3 or 4 hours sleep, not so much on this service.  These women think it’s okay to have babies at all kinds of ungodly hours of the night!  But seriously, I have had a great experience delivering babies.  My personality is clearly not suited for a full time career in obstetrics, I am far too methodical and focused.  Not to stereotype but the obstetricians yell and run a lot, seriously… where is the fire??? These babies can get out on their own, chill!

I’ve had some memorable patients but by far my favorite patient has been the young deaf girl.  She and her family were sooooo sweet.  We even bonded with the interpreter.  I usually get off at 5 if I’m not on call.  She had been on the floor pretty much all day and had not delivered.  At 4pm, out pops the baby (well, I had to help deliver but you get the point).  I felt so proud to have been there to celebrate with her.  Her mom just hugged me and her fiance (who is also deaf) couldn’t stop smiling.  Usually I’m a cynic and don’t tear up at much but for some reason that couple touched my heart.   Both have a serious handicap that for some people may have been too much to handle but these young people were starting out just like any other couple, just with adaptations.

So what’s new on my personal front?  This was my first Christmas with the Ambassador (he seems to know somebody every place we go).  I’m a holiday kinda gal so I was really looking forward to celebrating with him.  I got the Ambassador a sweater, a nice watch, and his favorite movie on DVD.  It didn’t take me any time to get his gifts because I know my honey so very well.  He too knows me… I got a new Ipod, Dance Party for my Wii and a bottle of Maker’s Mark   He’s so cute, he really didn’t have alot of money for Christmas but he couldn’t wait to spend money on me.  I’m not the kind of gal who demands trinkets and expensive things.  I love when someone can think of what I’ve been talking about and just get something.  He said he had a list of about 7 things (at least one or two of which will probably be my Vday and birthday gift).  We had a thousand stops to make for the holiday but we made our Christmas rounds together.  I’m truly thankful for him and looking forward to many many more holidays.

So that’s it for now… I start ICU next week.  I go from birth to near death, YUCK!  Critical care medicine is my least favorite subject and I will be counting down the 30 days I have to spend in the unit!

I’m alive.  Residency is going well.  Just about three months in and I’m getting more comfortable every day.  It’s kinda scary to be responsible for someone’s life but nobody has died on my watch yet.

I’m enjoying life outside the hospital as much as possible.  Went to New Orleans a week before Gustav to take my niece to school for her freshman year.  Of course she had to come home 1 week later but she’s back in New Orleans now. 

Had lots of other things going on too. Some of which I’m not quite ready to talk about but maybe soon.  Don’t worry, it doesn’t involve lesbian rape or jail. LOL I’m healthy, happy, and wise

Life is an incredibly wild rollercoaster ride!

One moment I am lamenting my lack of apartment and the next I am the happy tenant of a 2 bedroom in a quiet suburb with reasonable rent.

One moment I am lamenting my relationship issues and the next I am smiling in my heart.

One moment I am lamenting my year of military service and the next I am signing my discharge paperwork.

A series of moments. Memories. Tears. Smiles.  A life lived in moments that feel so disconnected but are the steps to goals.

I am on a journey back to me.  One of my best friends told me yesterday that I have to stop trying to be who people expect me to be and just be me.  Her take on my current relationship dilemma is that Coach is more like the person people expect quiet, smart, responsible me to be with.  And I am quiet, smart, and responsible.  But I am also silly, fun, occasionally alcohol soaked, smart-aleky, relaxed, sexy me too.  The person I am meant to be with gives me the freedom to be all of those things.  That may be why Coach thinks I’m different now.  But I’m not different, I’m just me.  Me who loves to be busy, not just stay in and watch tv.  Me who loves doing volunteer work.  Me who likes old man liquor and fru-fru-la-la drinks too.  Me who loves to be nekkid and adores good sex.  Me who loves an intellectual challenge.  Me who colors in kids coloring books and then goes off to ponder the eloquent writings of Ralph Ellison.  Me… unplugged.

Let’s just say today ain’t off to a good start:

1. I get outside and we have snow flurries.  Yeah I know, it’s Chicago and it snows here but I am not in the mood for flurries.  Of course my snowbrush is in Coach’s truck and my keys to Coach’s truck are upstairs in our apartment so I brush the snow off with my hand and keep it moving.

2. Panera used to be my favorite until today.  I just had the WORST green tea ever.  Smells and tastes like tobacco.  I don’t smoke, I don’t chew tobacco and I sure as HELL don’t want to drink tobacco.  Thank God for my cranberry pomegranate juice that I packed today or I would be headed to get my dollar back.  It’s the principality!

3. Coach and I are in a bit of a rough patch.  I’m moody and he’s trying to be patient.  But seriously, selfish me is trying to pretend to be okay mostly due to the fact that I have an upcoming birthday.  Ok maybe that’s not the only reason.  I love my sweetie but lately he has been playing double-dutch with my 2 last good nerves! 

4. The Wire finale was decent.  Slightly disappointing as I wanted Marlo to be killed and I wanted to see Avon at least one more time.  But overall, a decent end to an excellent show.

Ok back to my pumpkin muffin, maybe that will make me feel better.

I am off for the next 4 days.  Leisure here I come.  I have two Real Simple magazines to read and a head full of micros to take down (I hate micros- necessary evil for my 2 month trip).  There is a tin full of peppermint tea with my name on it.

There was a time when leisure was my life.  But alas, time marches on.

By the way… I am a new AUNT!!!! We welcomed Mr Jaylen Some Middle Name to the world at something after midnight on March 3rd.  He came in at 4 pounds something ounces and some length.  Yes, those details are courtesy of my brother AND his girlfriend!  Trife!  I had to go get a picture of the incubator ID card so I would have the details.

This is one stubborn but totally adorable little boy! The OB wanted to have the c-section on the 20th of March.  Well Mr Jaylen decided his birthday was going to be on March 3rd and that’s that!  So he was early but he is doing very well. He isn’t on oxygen anymore, he’s eating well, he hates being touched (sounds like my nutty brother).  They will probably send him home this week.  The only issue is that he only has 1 crease on his hands.  You wouldn’t think that’s a big deal but it can be associated with Down’s syndrome and other developmental issues.  We will have to wait 2 weeks to find out because the bloodwork won’t be back until then.  Keep him in your prayers.  It’s likely to be nothing as 1% of all people have a single crease and no issues.

So that’s what’s new with me…. 

I wonder if anyone is still reading?

I’m back from Georgia.  I didn’t write while I was gone because I had limited internet access and I’d rather spend my internet time catching up on what’s going on in the lives of my blog family.

Georgia was pretty cool.  Savannah is my mother’s family’s home and I have never gotten a chance to see it.  I could see myself living there (but Coach won’t leave Chicago).  My unit was there to train soldiers heading overseas.  There is nothing more sobering than to know that the work you are doing may make a difference in a soldier’s survival.  Alot of times, we take our training for granted but to know that these guys are heading into some real stuff, you stand up and make sure you do whatever it takes to make them ready.

I need a vacation.  I got back on Tuesday and went back to work on Wednesday.  I’m suffering from some issues that I have never shared with my blog fam so we are about to cross a barrier today.  I have not had sex in over a year.  My sweetie has some medical issues that have caused issues in the performance arena.  Of course I didn’t know this when we first started dating and I was already in love with him when the problem got worse.  He finally went to the doctor and is under treatment but of course I came home with expectations that things would be improved.  You guys don’t know just how much I love this man.  But it gets hard to not get my needs met.  Feeling guilty because I am frustrated, hating to see him in emotional pain, wishing I could just make things better, it drains me (and him too, I’m sure).  I got him some sessions with my trainer, hopefully exercise and weight loss can help get the blood flowing in the right directions. 

My neice is college-bound next year so I told her I would take her to New Orleans to see Xavier.  She is such a wonderful princess and of course I would love for her to follow in my footsteps.  No pressure, though.  Really, no pressure.  I want her to go to a school where she’ll be happy.  She hated her high school but she knows that she got a quality education.  This time, as long as she finds an accredited university that will provide her with a solid foundation, the choice is hers.

The weight loss thing is slowing down right now.  I’m looking and feeling much better.  Getting home has been a trip, I have to get to the grocery store to pick up some healthy lunch stuff and snacks.  The man in my house is a brownie baking, pizza eating, fast food aholic and i can NOT go back to my old ways.

I’m back! I’m better! Thanks so much to all of you who commented and/or read it and thought of me.  I talked to a few of the people I wrote that open letter about and I think some things got cleared up. 

I’m so excited about this year.  I’ve been working hard on my capacity to change.  I may be moving the blog (still working on the details) but I will put up my forwarding address.  Nothing like a new year to bring about a change.

The health changes are still in progress.  I’ve had a few fast food setbacks but so far the Co-Worker Diet has been working well.  What’s the Co-Worker Diet you ask?  It’s my own special meal plan where you never let your co-workers see you eat bad food.  I’m with my co-workers for lunch and often breakfast so at the very least, one meal a day is as healthy as possible.

I’m blogging while finishing up watching the debates.  I LOVE watching tv with my Coach!  We can watch anything from I Pity the Coon Fool to the debates while having a stimulating and often entertaining conversation.  I told you I love dating a smarty pants

That’s my latest, I’m still learning and growing…

Dear Santa,

Thanks for bringing me the Wii and the perfumes and the clothes.  You done good!! Even though I was slightly naughty, I’m glad you thought overall I was nice. 

Thank you for the gift of my granny.  I know her pain is over and that she is dancing and cutting up in heaven.

Thanks again for another wonderful Christmas.  I hope you dropped off great gifts to my internet family too (even SIP, who is probably on the naughty list but he means well most of the time).

And I know it’s early Santa, but by next year, can you help Mr Coach shop for a shiny pretty thing?  I know you just got finished with your rounds but um, I promise to be really really good (at least when you’re watching).  If you help, I won’t leave you those stale cookies like I did that one year.

Merry Christmas!

With love,

the cute one with the rosy cheeks