Personally:

Let’s start with the biggest news of all… I’m having a baby in September! Surprise Surprise.  Pregnancy has been an interesting journey to say the least.  Initially I planned to document it all via blog and scrapbook but hell, life got in the way.  The Ambassador and I are really excited about the baby.  He’s been a total tyrant about what I eat and how much moving around I do after work.  I’m on my feet all day at work and pretty much on my butt at home.  We totally thought this baby was a girl but he decided to show us BOY parts on the ultrasound.  Either way, all I want is a healthy baby so mommy of boy it is!

The Ambassador and I are planning to get married but we just can’t nail down the logistics.  One week we want to do a destination wedding, one week it’s the justice of the peace.  We’re scheduled to have private pre-marital class through the marriage ministry at his church because no matter when we do it, we want to have a good foundation spiritually as we do personally.  We’re still that sickening sweet couple that people gag at, LOL but it works for us!  Don’t get me wrong, we fight just like any other couple.  He can be melodramatic and I can be a bit direct.  We know these things about us and we fight and make up. 

Professionally:

One year of residency down, two to go!!  I’m actually considering a fellowship in Adolescent Medicine which will require a move away from Chicago for 2-3 years.  I’m not really sure how I feel about moving again but the Ambassador is backing whatever decision I make.  He’s the best!  He’s been doing research on programs so that he can know what his preferences are as well.  I know my mom and his mom will not be happy about us going anywhere with their grandson.

So now I’m a senior on the Family Medicine Service.  It’s so weird being in charge when just a month ago, I was the low man on the totem pole.  I’m enjoying it so far as being forced to explain things to my intern just helps me focus my knowledge.  So far I think I’ve been a pretty good senior, I don’t overwork people and I try to be supportive because I remember what it was like starting out.  I just completed my first "scary" block as a senior which is our night float service.  It’s scary because the senior is in charge of all new admissions and all of the patients on the service.  Some nights I had an intern to help, other nights just me by myself.  Only 2 more of those blocks to go.

 That’s it so far I guess.  I have a few other stories that I’m trying to talk myself into telling.  Maybe later in the week.  I’m trying to figure out a way to tell one story without putting too much of the other person’s business in the street (for now).

1. What is the one thing you regret most in life?

My biggest regret is that I led with my heart and not with my head for so many years.  Most of my big mistakes have come from doing what I "thought" I should do instead of weighing the pros and cons.  I married a man who I fought with for years because I wanted to see things to the end.  I didn’t focus on med school the first time around because I was too busy making everybody else happy.  I could go on and on and on but I won’t.

2. Tell the details of the most memorable day of your life so far?

Hmmmm… no days stand out bigger than the others but if pressed, I would have to say May 11, 2007.  The details of the day are pretty ho hum but it is a day of significance because exactly eleven full years after my college graduation, I crossed the stage with my M.D.   The years prior were full of a marriage, a divorce, a couple romantic relationships, 3 years on active duty in Louisiana, a trip to Japan, 3 cars, a dog and 18 cats.  So many times on the journey I didn’t think I would make it but one sunny afternoon, a hood was placed around my shoulders and I was bestowed with a title I dreamed about all of my life.

3.  You’re planning your perfect day…….tell us about it?

I would wake up after 10 am to breakfast in bed (homemade waffles, bacon, a mimosa) served by my love.  After breakfast a full day at the spa, a good meal at one of my favorite restaurants capped by a Frankie Beverly and Maze concert. 

4.  The ship’s going down and you can only grab 5 things before you have to get off and go to the island….what do you take?

a.  My ipod and unlimited batteries for my portable charger

b. A blanket, I hate to get cold

c. Signaling equipment (a mirror or flashlight or something)

d. A book

e. Hell, I can’t think of anything else, I don’t get caught up in material possessions

5. The secret video is out…..who do you call first and why?

The morgue… somebody is gonna die!  I leave nooooo evidence

The past few days have been especially challenging.  I have a patient who is dying (very actively dying).  The family isn’t sure whether or not they want to withdraw support.  This is a guy who has been in a nursing home for months, not mobile, not speaking, nothing.  That for me is just not living.  Too many people keep their loved ones alive to assuage their own guilt.  I have already told everyone I love and who loves me that if I am brain dead, not coming back… pull my plug!  The poor wife, this is a horrible time for her.  Her husband said he didn’t want to live on machines but she’s just not sure what that means.  But seriously, the guy isn’t aware of his surroundings, his eyes are half open with no response.  Let go.  Every time she gets ready to withdraw care, the primary physician on the case manages to talk her out of it.  For what?  Do yourselves a favor, everyone (all 3 of you.. LOL)… have an advanced medical directive.  Talk to your loved ones about your wishes and put them in writing!

 The interesting thing is that I’m such a family doc.  We were discussing the plan of care with my patient’s family and the wife started crying.  I had several discussions with her prior to this and started to build a good rapport, so I put my hand on her shoulder and told her that I know it must be hard for her.  The family started crying and my immediate response was to get tissue for everyone.  Perhaps that stems from having been a family member with a dying loved one or just from a connection with human emotions.  My senior resident was with me and even she was surprised that I got tissues.  I didn’t have to say anything, sometimes just one small act of dignity helps a person feel better.  It’s really hard to have a serious, focused discussion when you are trying to snort up the snot bubbles.

 Thank goodness ICU is only one month out of the whole year.  7 months of intern year down, 5 more blocks to go.  I still have 2 more months on our inpatient service, a month of OB-Gyn, ER and Ambulatory Pediatrics/Nursery left.  Go me!!

Obstetrics has been kicking my butt!  By far the worst call nights I have ever had.  Usually when I’m on call I get at least 3 or 4 hours sleep, not so much on this service.  These women think it’s okay to have babies at all kinds of ungodly hours of the night!  But seriously, I have had a great experience delivering babies.  My personality is clearly not suited for a full time career in obstetrics, I am far too methodical and focused.  Not to stereotype but the obstetricians yell and run a lot, seriously… where is the fire??? These babies can get out on their own, chill!

I’ve had some memorable patients but by far my favorite patient has been the young deaf girl.  She and her family were sooooo sweet.  We even bonded with the interpreter.  I usually get off at 5 if I’m not on call.  She had been on the floor pretty much all day and had not delivered.  At 4pm, out pops the baby (well, I had to help deliver but you get the point).  I felt so proud to have been there to celebrate with her.  Her mom just hugged me and her fiance (who is also deaf) couldn’t stop smiling.  Usually I’m a cynic and don’t tear up at much but for some reason that couple touched my heart.   Both have a serious handicap that for some people may have been too much to handle but these young people were starting out just like any other couple, just with adaptations.

So what’s new on my personal front?  This was my first Christmas with the Ambassador (he seems to know somebody every place we go).  I’m a holiday kinda gal so I was really looking forward to celebrating with him.  I got the Ambassador a sweater, a nice watch, and his favorite movie on DVD.  It didn’t take me any time to get his gifts because I know my honey so very well.  He too knows me… I got a new Ipod, Dance Party for my Wii and a bottle of Maker’s Mark   He’s so cute, he really didn’t have alot of money for Christmas but he couldn’t wait to spend money on me.  I’m not the kind of gal who demands trinkets and expensive things.  I love when someone can think of what I’ve been talking about and just get something.  He said he had a list of about 7 things (at least one or two of which will probably be my Vday and birthday gift).  We had a thousand stops to make for the holiday but we made our Christmas rounds together.  I’m truly thankful for him and looking forward to many many more holidays.

So that’s it for now… I start ICU next week.  I go from birth to near death, YUCK!  Critical care medicine is my least favorite subject and I will be counting down the 30 days I have to spend in the unit!

I don’t know who’s reading but I’m still alive.  I can’t believe it’s been that long since I wrote on my own blog.  (Not for lack of material, that’s for sure).  One day turned into two which turned into a few months.  But I’m back.  I missed blogging but I wasn’t sure where to start.

So let’s start at today…

Residency…

     Is tough!  So far I’ve completed 2 months of Surgery, 2 months of Pediatrics, and 2 months on our Inpatient Service.  1/2 way finished with my first year!!!  I’m learning so much about managing patients and about managing a career.  I can’t believe I’m doing what I love.  This month I’m on Obstetrics.  I helped deliver a couple babies so far!  Really exciting sometimes.  Sometimes it makes me a little sad because I really want kids and I wonder when it will be my turn.  I’ll have to blog about some of my favorite patients soon.  The REALLY special ones, love me.

Love…

     I haven’t told you guys about the new man in my life.  I’ll have to come up with a blog name for him.  We’ve known each other since high school.  Who knew we would get along so well romantically.  He went to high school with The Ass and has been best friends with one of my best friends since kindergarten.  Our paths have crossed a million times but we’ve always just been friends.  About a year ago, we ran into each other at a wedding and have been best buds ever since.  I was dating Coach and he had a girlfriend so initially nothing romantic was popping off (even though I did know he has thought I was cute since HS).  I plead the fifth about whether anything happened before our breakups.  But since then, we have been utterly inseparable. 

     I went back and read some things I wrote about Coach and other men in my past and at first I was worried because my feelings for this one sound vaguely familiar.  But in analysis with a few of my best friends, I have come to understand that what I felt for the men in the past is no less genuine than what I feel now.  They were preparation for what I have now.  I’m totally myself with him, I was always guarded with Coach and I was sure nuff rusty in the dating game with the other fellows. He accepts me flaws and all, as I do with him.  Our relationship isn’t perfect, but I am so happy and proud to have him in my corner.  I told him the other day that I used to joke about rolling all my exes and male friends up to make a wonderful man for me.  The weird thing is that he is all of them in one.  My family likes him so far and my friends love him.  Well then again, they always say that until the breakup… then they tell me how they really feel. I’m some crazy kind of in love with him, we’re even that "cutesy couple" that I always laugh at.  I can’t believe I’m the "honey" and "sweetheart" kind of gal now.  My niece is even willing to share him with me, and she doesn’t like anyone!

 So I’m back… gonna do better!  I miss sharing my life with the world

I’m enjoying life outside the hospital as much as possible.  Went to New Orleans a week before Gustav to take my niece to school for her freshman year.  Of course she had to come home 1 week later but she’s back in New Orleans now. 

Had lots of other things going on too. Some of which I’m not quite ready to talk about but maybe soon.  Don’t worry, it doesn’t involve lesbian rape or jail. LOL I’m healthy, happy, and wise

- Coach and I broke up.  There comes a time when you have to do what is right for yourself and your partner.  Things just weren’t working between us.  The ackwardness of trying to force the relationship was taking a toll on both of us. No tears, no yelling.  Just two adults who realize that they were trying to make something work that may not be meant to be.  I’m not really sure where the change happened but over time I have come to realize that I was "making do".  Coach is a great guy and a good friend and honestly I wish I could find the right woman for him but I know that she is not me

- The Ass and I are friends again.  We talked for 2.5 hours last week about everything from the military to relationships.  He’s grown alot over the past 3 years.  His wedding is unfortunately postponed right now.  I feel bad for him because I know what it took for him to open himself up to the possibility of getting married again.  What I found interesting is that when he started seeing her, he was so busy trying to correct all of the wrongs in our marriage that she never really met the real him.  He made a lot of changes for her but he didn’t realize that he was only really doing that to exorcise the demon of our marriage.  He never really dealt with our divorce because they got together 2 weeks after I moved out.  I really missed his friendship

- Residency is going pretty well. I finished my first month of Surgery.  I’m surprised at what I remember about medicine after the year off and sometimes surprised at what I have forgotten too.  I LOVE my fellow family medicine interns! A great group of people all around.  We’re the single class (nobody is married, no kids, no engagements yet) so we’re always down to hang out.  I have a new Partner in Crime in my class.  We keep each other in tears laughing! 

Just thought I would check in.  I’ll try to do better.  I’m not that busy, just got lots on my mind.

Packing

Moving

Studying for my ACLS class for residency

Being a good aunt to my brother’s step-kids

Being a good sister

Being a good friend

Being in love

Being in limbo

Being the new owner of a 2008 Altima named Pretty Ricky

Just tired.

I wish I could muster the strength to at least write in complete sentences to finish this post but fa real, fa really real, I am TIRED and I have to take a test tomorrow.

Smooches

One moment I am lamenting my lack of apartment and the next I am the happy tenant of a 2 bedroom in a quiet suburb with reasonable rent.

One moment I am lamenting my relationship issues and the next I am smiling in my heart.

One moment I am lamenting my year of military service and the next I am signing my discharge paperwork.

A series of moments. Memories. Tears. Smiles.  A life lived in moments that feel so disconnected but are the steps to goals.

I am on a journey back to me.  One of my best friends told me yesterday that I have to stop trying to be who people expect me to be and just be me.  Her take on my current relationship dilemma is that Coach is more like the person people expect quiet, smart, responsible me to be with.  And I am quiet, smart, and responsible.  But I am also silly, fun, occasionally alcohol soaked, smart-aleky, relaxed, sexy me too.  The person I am meant to be with gives me the freedom to be all of those things.  That may be why Coach thinks I’m different now.  But I’m not different, I’m just me.  Me who loves to be busy, not just stay in and watch tv.  Me who loves doing volunteer work.  Me who likes old man liquor and fru-fru-la-la drinks too.  Me who loves to be nekkid and adores good sex.  Me who loves an intellectual challenge.  Me who colors in kids coloring books and then goes off to ponder the eloquent writings of Ralph Ellison.  Me… unplugged.

I’ve made decisions and I have to live with them.  I’m moving out of the apartment we share.  He’s hurting so bad right now but I have to do this for me.  He’s not the same person he was 2 years ago and frankly, neither am I.  I don’t know when it turned but it turned.  I don’t love him the same way I used to.  He knows how badly he messed up and I wish that was enough.  I need space.  I want to get married again but I want to be sure that I have full self-realization again.  My previous marriage and divorce really messed me up in that I came out of it stronger but still unsure that I had what it takes to be a wife, a mother, an independent grown woman.  Book smarts isn’t enough to get me through this stuff, I have to dig deep inside myself.  I worry about Coach though.  He’s having such a hard time.  Bad thing is, my sister noticed the change in us.  She called me to ask me what was going on.  It’s not that I don’t care for him, I just have come to some really hard realizations about us and about myself.

Apartment hunting SUCKS!  I know what I want and what I want to pay. Nobody is cooperating.  Either the place is in the hood or too small or just not right.  Man one was on the alley!  Ain’t trying to make it easy for Creepy Killa Man to get me.  He’s gonna have to climb some stairs or scale a fence or something!  I want to move by the first week of June.  Dragging this out just makes it harder on everybody. 

I’m so on edge right now.  I need a get-away.